Hindi Pinili

Ano kaya ung pakiramdam ng pinipili?

Ilang ulit ako humarap sa salamin

at tinanong ang sarili ko

kung ano ang mali?

Anong panget?

Ano pa ang kulang?

Bakit ba hindi ako nagiging sapat para magustuhan?

Bakit laging may tanong?

Bakit laging may pag aalinlangan?

Kahit anong gawin ko,

hindi ako ang nakikita.

Laging may mas higit.

Laging may mas nakakalamang.

Ano bang pagkakaiba ko sa tanan?

Ako ung nandito pero iba ang hinahanap.

Ako ung nasa harapan pero hindi nakikita.

Kelan ba ako magiging sapat

para sa pamantayan ng mundo?

Pwede bang ako naman?

Ako naman sana ung makita.

Sana ako naman ung kailanganin.

Sana ako naman ung pahalagahan.

Sana ako naman ang piliin.

Kasi kahit anong pilit ko,

pag hindi ka talaga gusto,

hindi ka gusto.

Tapos ang kwento.

What are the chances?

Hey! It's love month and few days before Valentine's Day. And here I am trying to write again especially with all these things in my mind. All the hugots from the people around me, from the dramas I watched or just random feeling I felt or something that crossed my mind.

What are the chances?

What are the chances that we can't love back the person who likes us, especially if that is a good person? That is why there is this dating stage to further know the person. Well, for me, it is not about the looks or whatever, it is still the connection. I know, maybe when we are younger, that matters to us. But today, in this age, me personally, wants someone who can connect with me. Who can understand my silence and respects it. Someone who will not judge, but understands even if he doesn't know the whole story. A life partner. Someone that brings you smile despite doing nothing. Who can stay with you, keep you safe and protect you. Someone who listens more than talk. Whose priority is to make you happy. A relationship built with a good foundation of friendship.

What are the chances of being brave enough to confess your feelings for a good friend? Friendship between a girl and a guy is possible, but most of the time, the other may fall for the other. It may be mutual or one sided but how brave are you of the chances? How will you know if you don't ask? I know this is one of the hardest things to do, especially if something is at stake - your friendship. It may break, or advance your relationship to the next level but falling for your bestfriend is also a best feeling, right? So, go for it! You will never know the answer unless you try.

If he is not for it, then someone is out there for you. If he walk away after confessing your feelings and you lose the friendship eventually, then maybe he don't value what you have. If you went for it and it fails, at least, you were able to learn from it and hopefully, you can still be friends after. And if you go for it and found yourselves happy, congratulations! Keep what you have and treasure it.

What are the chances of loving someone else despite the fact of being in a relationship? Hmm.. that is complicated! Why fall for someone when you are committed? It is not just a matter of being faithful, but also being confuse of who do you really love. You need to assess and decide. Will you leave your relationship for a new found love? How sure are you of the new one? Maybe you are just mistaken of what you feel. Are you still happy? Whatever your decision may be, someone might get hurt, just make sure to go out of situation in good terms for both - the one you are in relationship with, and the new one. Let us not judge those in this situation, it is possible to happen even with the nicest person.

What are the chances to go running back to your ex? Are you open to give second chance a try? That maybe this time around, you can fix what have gone wrong and give love a chance to get back on you. There is nothing really wrong about it, it may work out, it may not. For me, it all depends on the foundation of what you used to have. Go back where you started feeling the kilig, maybe you can pick it from there to start a new one again. I guess you will just feel it, if it is worth to try again.

What are the chances of you breaking up because of long distance relationship? This may work out for some, and may not work out for many. I believe it is because we wanted love to be felt in the presence of our partners physically. Someone you can see, touch, hug and kiss. We are so affectionate we need assurance of love to be seen through that. But why does it work for some? Again, let us go back to the foundation of the relationship. How well do you know each other? How can trust be so significant with it. We are all different, and LDR may not be possible for all, but always remember that trust is a big part of any relationship, may it be far or near, seen or not. Work out to build a good foundation in your relationship and you will never be in doubt.

What are the chances of breaking up from your long time relationship? It is possible, no matter how we try to keep one relationship healthy, it can break apart. How long is long? Like 5 years, 7 years, 10 years? It is actually not on numbers anymore. It can happen to anyone even to married couples. Don't let the number of years define the relationship, it is the journey how you kept the relationship strong despite the problems you faced along the way all those years. If it is not healthy anymore and it doesn't work out, don't hesitate or double think to let it go. It will never be a waste of time. Maybe it is not yet your "the one".

As what they say, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. Chances don't approach you, it's you who approaches the chances.

Take this chance because you never know how perfect what is waiting for you.

 

For Tito 💖

I was devastated with the news that you are gone.

I immediately dialed your number and it rang.

I stopped after a few rings, afraid if it's true.

Then I texted you.. "Tito?"

Few minutes later, your number was calling me.

I said hello a few times but the voice sounds differently.

I started crying when I confirmed it's true

and even louder when they said the virus hit you.

I was speechless, I don't know what else to do.

I am heartbroken.

Why you?? 

With a heavy heart,

I ran towards my room crying.

I picture the last time you were here.

And remember how I promised to visit you

when I got the chance to travel in Cebu.

You were the second man besides Papa who I know would protect me.

Who never expressed it, but I always felt the love and concern you have for me.

So many childhood memories I will forever keep.
Happy stories I will miss.

Like the times, when you measure my height in the wall, checking if I a grew an inch or so.

The duty free days and bags of chocolates.

The danggit and otap pasalubong back home.

Your morning routine of reading the newspaper and answering crossword puzzles.

Your love for sport and how I got to watch basketball,

volleyball, boxing, billiards and tennis with you.

And because of you, I started knowing Serena, Venus, and Martina (in tennis).

Your love for watching and answering questions in a game show.

Your lotto afternoon habit and bringing food for dinner.

The after Sunday masses and the kakanin you would buy for breakfast.

And lastly, I will miss cooking for you.

That's you.

You always have something to share.

You are always generous and giving.

You stayed humble despite the title.

And even helped a lot of people reach for their dreams.
You are a Captain in his humble sail.

But what will I miss the most? 

The way you tell stories and jokes, and the times we laugh out loud.

The sarcasm in every story.

The sound in your voice I will forever carry.

I feel heartbroken because we lost you this way.

It's hard to let you go so easily..

I never got the chance to thank you for all the help you showered our family,

and the happiness you bring whenever you are home.

I never got the chance to treat you for something you would love to have.

I don't know until when the pain will be gone.

It might take a while..

But I will definitely miss you.

You will forever be the second father

in a reserve place in my heart. ♡

-------

Happy Sailing in heaven Tito!

I will miss you so much! 💔

06/05/2020

Huwag mong sosolohin. Di ka mag-isa ♡

A post was caught me in twitter. I rarely comment or reply, but when I read it, I just felt like replying to it and I was happy I did. I've been emotional for the past few days and that post seems like talking to me that very moment. Maybe it is the message I wanna hear. And suddenly, I felt someone just comforted me. Like a warm hug that says, "I got you" and "you have nothing to worry about". You know who post it or what is the post about? Hmmm..

It was a tweet from Ben&Ben..

Yup, another one from Ben&Ben caught me speechless. Remember the last time, I was listening to their playlist and I was able to write a poem after. Ohh mmmgeeee.. what is this? They already got me. Few days after, I heard these words again in one of their songs. So this is actually lyrics from their song, "Susi" that happened to be a soundtrack of "Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral", a Filipino movie about one of our heroes and great soldier, Heneral Gregorio del Pilar. So this is not a love song after all, but a song of bravery and strength.

The verse goes like..

Balikan kung bakit ba nagsimula

Bago mo sabihin na ayaw mo na

Huwag mong sosolohin

Di ka mag-isa

Ikaw pa rin ang susi sa takbo ng iyong tadhana.

And I don't know but it made me reply, "Ang hirap kimkimin ang lahat. Andoon sa isang sulok at umiiyak." Wow, it even rhyme unexpectedly. And you know what, that is exactly how I felt. I was alone, and feeling everthing on my shoulders and I can't do anything but be in a corner and cry. Somewhere where no one can see or hear me. But here is Ben&Ben, saying not to keep it from myself and that I am not alone. Very very timely. As if it was God's indirect way of saying to me that I have Him. *goosebumps*

I do pray. A lot actually. But there are these moments in our lives that things get heavy and we have no one to shared it with. It is also in my personality to keep things with myself. It was hard. It is always a struggle. But let us remember to seek to Him when everything seems to be heavy to carry. He may not physically be there but trusting him will make the load lighter.

"Huwag mong sosolohin. Di ka mag-isa." ♡

Purple Sky

Last November, I had an amazing trip with my friends in San Felipe, Zambales. Finally, some vitamin sea, sand and sun. The view definitely not failed us. It's been a while since the last time I gaze the sunset sky. I have been working at night for a year now and I haven't been out that time of the day. It's my first time to get awe with a beautiful sunset. A perfect purple pink sky that is ready to cover the sea. It was mesmerizing. So beautiful, I can't imagine it really happen. I am falling in love with it. 

Take the time to stop and think,
and watch the sky turns purple pink. 💜

Q&A

With the recently concluded Binibining Pilipinas where new queens have been crowned, let us make a little Q&A. So, I have crossed this question in Facebook and find it a little witty, so let's try and answer the question below... 

Credits to: Boiling Water FB page.

"Kung bibigyan ka ng chance na sabihin sa crush mo na nagseselos ka every time na nakikita mo siyang may kasamang iba.. Anong karapatan mo?" 

My Answer:

Wala. Wala akong karapatan, pero hindi ko pwedeng i-deny na ako'y nasasaktan. And I will not blame myself or anybody for feeling this way. It's my choice to feel this, because I choose to like him without any conditions, and that includes, him not liking me back. Wala rin akong sasabihin sakanya. I don't want him or anybody pity me for not being loved back. Martry as it may sound, we love without expecting anything in return. And I thank you.

I Finally Did It

It has been few months. A lot happened and I guess, I will have more time to update my blog now. So, let me share something I got from Facebook. Actually, I  relate to a lot of his post and I actually don't know what it is in him, that as if he reads my mind and my heart. His post are painful, but very honest. It just speaks everything I want to shout out at this very moment. So here it's goes...

WORDS by NEIL JED CASTRO

So, after a constant struggle, she finally did it.

No mo sleepless nights for her. No more tears every midnight. No more sudden anxiety. No more chest pains. No more questioning about her worth. No more catching feelings. She did it.

She has finally let go of the toxic relationship that she was in. She has finally realized that it was no longer worth fighting. She has finally realized to love herself first. She has finally realized that she has  to prioritized herself first.

She has finally let go of the memories of you. She has finally let go of the thought of you. She has finally let go of all the grudges and pain. She lose you but she found herself.

She is not bitter. She is even thankful of you. You made her realized a lot of things. She will remember you not the person she used to love but as a learning experience. Thank you for making her braver!

And to the other girls going through the same thing, you will get there!

.....................................................................................................................................................................

And after 7 years, it finally ended. No more tears, more of .. "I can finally breathe". We have been to a lot, and it was not an easy ride. All of the memories will not be erased overnight, but I know everything will be ok. There are still no regrets - I became happy and I have loved him. But maybe things will be better of this way now. 

Thank you, and I wish you'll be ok too.

strangers with some memories..

** One of the saddest endings of all stories.

This applies in all kinds of relationships, especially with FRIENDSHIP.. Because people come and go in our lives. And most of the time, they just go without any particular reason. They just leave everything behind. Leave all the memories. And eventually, erase US in their lives for good.

I just hate this kind of goodbyes...

Because I treasure memories so much. I treasure "friendship" in a deeper sense, and it hurts me so much how a happy story ends with such a sad goodbye.

xx JaJa

Birthday Blues

Oh hello again..

Just wanted to express my thoughts..

So, it was my birthday yesterday, and as usual... I always gets emotional with things I think OVER. Birthdays are not a big thing for me. It is usually just a normal day. As much as possible, I don't wanted people to know about it. I felt uneasy if people greeted me in person. But I do appreciate their greetings. Maybe, I'm just not the type who are up for celebrations, or I am just used to spent it as an ordinary day.

Birthdays for us is a simple lunch / dinner at home with family. Pancit or spaghetti will do. Since it falls on summer, I don't get to celebrate it with friends, growing up.

Friends? I am not the friendly type who do the first "hi" or "hello" thing. I am usually the quiet one who listens to you and give my thoughts. I am the caring & thoughtful one. I gain friends from school, and now, at work. I just had a small group of friends. Growing up, I had spent most days at home playing with myself and my only cousin. I had no friends besides her. My childhood is not a bad one, but as you noticed, its not as exciting as most kids had.

Maybe that is one reason why I value friendship so much. That when I get close with someone and get too much attached, I value and treasure her / him so much. I am too caring & thoughtful, and that  particular "friend" is special in all ways. It was an automatic treatment and gesture.

So.. why I get emotional again?

Since, I only have a small group of friends, I would know who were there and who were not. Them remembering my special day is something I really appreciate. They know how I love long messages and heart warming greetings.

And it always saddened me whenever one slowly get out of that small circle after he / she had found new friends. After some time, busy schedules and distance will keep you apart. Soon, you'll get no reply after efforts of sending hello's and how are you's.

Since its my birthday, I remember them... and suddenly felt this feeling.. "people will leave you despite all your efforts and the good things you did  for them, when they found new ones who they get along with." I may not be the exciting friend everyone wants. Nor the clown that gives the life & energy of the group, but I am the one who would listens and take cares of you. 

I miss them..
And now, I fear of getting close to new friends and end up with the same sad story... 

VALUE YOURSELF!

** I guess, this speaks everything I had gone through. Save yourself. Value yourself. You may lost some time, but you can still find love. That love you truly deserves. And I agree.. It's painful to let go of the love you had for years, but it's more painful to lose yourself in the process of STILL loving someone who always took you for granted. You are WORTHY of the LOVE you DESERVE. <3

How have you been?

Few people really knew what happened. I am lucky enough that they do not ask much. It was something I really don't know how to share. It wasn't a very painful break up, but it will not be easy. It will not be over overnight. I feel numb. I wasn't crying as much as I should, but I know I wasn't okay. There will be those nights, that all the pain I had kept will just fall in my eyes. I tried to distract myself from thinking of him, or what happened.

I am still on the process of accepting that things didn't go on our way. I try to change the things I used to do and make myself extra busy. Sometimes, I just want to be crazy and be mad at the world, but I know that I will be okay.. I will soon be okay.

I  should value myself more and wait for the one who I truly deserve. 

Someone who will make me truly happy..

Who will give me time..

Who will value me..

Who will respect me..

Who will take care of me..

Who will make me laugh..

Who will love talking & listening to me..

Who will never get tried of handling me..

and someone who will fall in love with me over and over again and won't let me go..

#MovingOn

It's Over!

"Let him go, baby girl. Let him go and move the hell on. You need to make space in your heart for someone who has the capacity to love you just as much as you love them."

And Yes, I can now say it's over.

It has been 6 long years, and I think that was enough. I should have LOVE myself MORE. I thought, with enough time, I can make things work, but sadly, it didn't. I did all my best. I had invest so much in this relationship, and now, it hurts so much to end it this way.

I had spent a lot of my "firsts" with him.

My first boyfriend..

My first real love, and my first real heartbreak.

I always look forward to weekends because of him.

Lunch and Dinner is at best every Saturday because Mama cooks for him.

Meriendas are best spent with him.

I gain weight because I had shared every meal with him.

I manage to watch basketball games for him.

I get to know my "crazy side" because of him.

Late nights were spent talking to him.

My past Misa de Gallos and Mahal na Araw were with him.

He had been my constant buddy in everything I do.

Someone who know me to well and had manage to deal with my moods and craziness. He had witnessed all the ups and downs of my life and in my family.

But most days, when I just need someone to talk to, or the times I needed someone to pick me up, I had no one but me. I always go home late in the evening from work and I can't remember if there was a initiative from him to wait for me or pick me up. There were a lot of days I want to spend with him, but I always hear the same reasons over and over again. Same reasons that hurts me. He would always say he loves me, but I always end up questioning that. Because I always feel left behind. Unwanted. Unloved. I was not the priority. I always ask for time and for attention.

Maybe you'll think that I was too much on him, that I was selfish and too demanding. No, I am not, I just want what I deserve. I know and I understand that there are things he needs to do and prioritize, and that is fine with me. He is free to do what he wants. I just needed him to say it to me. To be conscious enough to make me feel I am not ignored. But most of the time, I would end up waiting the whole day not hearing from him where he was or what happen to him.

Every time things get wrong, I would always think for that one big reason why I am still here for him. That reason, that always make my heart melts.. that, I love him.. I love him too much that I always do all the understanding and adjusting. Reasons I myself can't fully figure out why. I love him for reasons I can't understand.

Its hard to handle everything ALONE. That this relationship should be a working partnership. I need him to make extra EFFORT, but most of the time, there is none.

This wasn't easy. It took me 6 years, because I thought WE can work this out. But if its only ME, it wouldn't work. I needed him to be serious and be matured enough that LOVE is not all about the sweet and happy things alone. That it is something that he should take care and nourish. Time will come, I will be too tired to understand the same reasons over and over again.. and I think, I just did..

Because if he truly loves me, he will do the impossible just to make things work.

and to finally end this...

"The wrong person makes YOU beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you."

Change..

Its been a while since my last post. A lot just happened. Usually, I would write to express what I feel but this time around, I felt that I just needed some quiet time alone. I got myself busy with arts, crafts and some travel on the side. It was summer anyway. My birthday pass as if it was just one ordinary day. Nothing really significant or memorable. And exactly a month ago, I cut off my hair short. Yes. It has never been this short. The last short hair I had was in 3rd year college, but it was longer than what I had now. I am too was shock on how short it become. Well I guess, this was done on purpose. Besides the hot weather, it was also a way for me to cut off all the pain I had inside. I know there was sadness in me, but I never cry. I kept myself strong enough to be okay. What I did was to love and appreciate myself more. I treat myself with the food I love and the things I wanted. I watched movies and spent it with family. Enjoy. Do things you love to do. Because when everything gets broken, it was only YOU who can fix yourself. You need to stand again and face the world with a better version of yourself. And I guess, I did..

Sorry for the selfies.. 

 Much Love!!

TRUE

But how will you measure love? On the number of things he bought for you? For the things he gave you? The times he paid for the dates you had? For the movies you watched? The money he spent just to fetch you?

LOVE is never measured in material things nor any means. 

But why is there such thing as "One is being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough?"

Simple.. you have taken for granted the love being given to you. You care less, you don't give enough attention, time and effort the way he/she does to you. And there you will find the difference between the love received from the love given. You look for what is missing.

LOVE should never be compared, but you should know how to recognize it, be thankful for it and value it.

<3 jazel

LOVE is not easy, but its worth it

** NO ONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY, BUT ITS WORTH THE TRY **

Cry Baby

I just felt writing my thoughts at this very moment. I actually wanted to share this in my fb account, but I guess this is way too personal, I better share it here in my blog.

I am not good in expressing myself in front of people. I was so shy and it feels awkward at times. I really can't be that person who can be vocal with her real feelings. So, I usually wrote it down through letters and short notes.

Earlier today, I had my moment with Wapo. We are actually watching tv with my parents who were seated in front of us. I've been thinking a lot lately, and there were things I wanted to tell him, but I don't know how to start. So, I started to wrote it down in a piece of paper. I was already teary eyed but I'm not letting myself to cry. I handed it over to him, not meeting his eyes. I was still looking down. Then after a while, he reached for me, and gave me a hug. Then, for some "I don't know reason", that hug just hit my heart and I started to cry in his embrace. It was so painful that I wanted to cry it aloud, but thinking that my parents were there, I tug myself in his arms and hug him back tight. He started telling me, whispering, "Ano bang nangyayari sayo, bakit ka umiiyak? Gusto ka nila. Ako ung ayaw nila para sayo." He was comforting me. I was trying to cover his mouth with my hand that I don't want him to further say anything that my parents might hear. Also, I don't want to hear those excuses again, because no matter what he says, nothing has changed, it still hurts the same.

I really don't know what came up in my mind that this happen. I was keeping (AGAIN) these thoughts in my head for quite a while. For the past days, I was even pushing myself away. 

"Sabihin mo, hindi ka na pupunta sa amin, hihiwalayan mo na ako, para payagan ka lang sumama."

This has been one of the many things we are going through for the past years. I really can't talk about it that much, but maybe you already have an idea of what is it about.

I was just tuck in Wapo's arms until I'm done crying, then, I started to laugh. I left his shirt so wet not just in tears but also with snot. Hahahaha!! Sorry..

That actually how we end our dramas together. By such silly things to laugh with.

PS: I just love those kinds of hugs!!! >>> ^.^ <<<

To Give Up?

There are things that gets too tiring. Mistakes and "the not so good actions" when repeatedly done becomes so annoying and irritating.

If you are patient enough, then probably you would understand. You would forgive, and forgive until the person stops doing it. But until when will you understand?

Sometimes, its ok to take a break from all of these. Its ok to think of your own happiness. That one cannot learn from the mistake if you will continue to forgive the person. Its easier said than done...

The question now will be, are you giving up?

Misa de Gallo 2015

Misa de Gallo is the start of the Christmas season in the Philippines. I personally feel the Christmas spirit as it starts. This was a Filipino tradition that my mom had instilled in me at a very young age. There will be nine dawn masses before Christmas. It is a novena, or a form of prayer service offered for nine consecutive days. And as what our lolo's and lola's said, if you will complete the nine days novena, the prayer or wish that you will ask from Jesus will be granted. And as for my experience, yes.. my wishes really did come true. This is the power of faith and prayer.

So, I'll be taking you to my nine days journey of prayer, faith, realization, experiences and discoveries.

>> December 16 (Wednesday)

Day 1: (night of December 15) There was continuous rain all over the metro, and as usual traffic and flood is causing headaches to the people. It was already 11pm when I felt really hopeless that there was no really a way for me to get home. So, I finally called Papa and asked what to do. And because there was no other way, Papa asked Kuya (who was already sleeping) to fetch me to Makati. He got me up at around 1:30am at the fast food were I stayed. That was the longest motorcyle ride I ever had, and it was still raining. We arrived at home at around 2:30am. We passed by the church, and they are already preparing. I decided to just wait for the mass at 4am. So, been busy with facebook and twitter until before the mass. I'm with Mama, and Wapo is absent due to tiredness. We are inside, and near us was Kuya Hayden and Hershey (my friends from church). I felt the difference of the mass, maybe not as lively as what we used to have. Okaaay.. 1st day went well.

>> December 17 (Thursday)

Day 2: We were almost late. I wasn't able to hear my alarm and my body was too tired to get up. But, no matter what, I will go to mass. Wapo was early and he scolded me for being a little late. I was surprised that he wore the green polo I gave him for his birthday last year. Hahaha. Kasya na kasi sa kanya. Surprisingly, I was also in a green polo. His was in dark green, and mine was in mint green. We went for breakfast at home after mass. :)

>> December 18 (Friday)

Day 3: Because we had our Office Christmas dinner last night, I got home at around 12 or 1am. Ohh traffic! I hitch with our company's van which is going to Angeles, and I can't believe the traffic at that hour. I don't know if I will still sleep or just wait for 4am for the mass. I was browsing the net, there and there and just had an hour of sleep. Ohh.. again, we were almost late. My big man was already waiting for me.

The mass is presided by Fr. Ox, our former parish priest. He is loved by the people and I can't forget how he delivered his sermon in a very light, direct,witty yet very understandable manner. And today, as what he usually does, he ended his sermon with a Christmas song he sang, "Sana ngayong Pasko" and left everyone teary eyed. Miss having masses like these lately -very heartfelt.

And like what we used to, we had breakfast at home.

>> December 19 (Saturday)

Day 4: Oh, and finally its Saturday. Though I only had few hours of sleep, still manage to get up and went to mass. I really don't know whats wrong with my alarm clock that I can't hear it. As usual, a little late but not really.

The mass is presided by Fr. Jun Matas, a guest priest. His sermon is packed with all the hugot and pick up lines very timely for Christmas and the messages of it was emphasized on his homily. About family, sharing and giving. Everyone was laughing but I guess, he was able to impart the message he wants us to take.

Wapo is asleep, and we went home at once because I need to catch up some sleep before heading to Taytay for Mae's wedding day.

>> December 20 (Sunday)

Day 5: I was still in bliss for last night wedding of Mae. Just enough sleep for today. Wapo was already texting me, and I was just again in time for the mass. And he is scolding me again for getting late. Hahaha. Nothing to comment about the mass. I just miss the previous Misa de Gallo we had here, the number of people attending, that ambiance and spirit.

After mass, there was this little confrontation from the senior knights to the present group. I decided to seat away from them and not to involve myself. Wapo is part of the senior group of knights and good thing Wapo was just there listening to them. I don't want him to get involve as well. Ok, time to go home. :)

>> December 21 (Monday)

Day 6: Good Morning! I set my alarm at 2:45am but for the nth time, I didn't hear it ring. I woke up at around 3:10am. I hurriedly fix myself, text Kuya Allan if he is already at BLP and walked fast to church. I will be the lector for today's mass and just arrived right in time for me to review the reading and get myself ready. Wooh!!

We started the mass inside the church, and not outside as there are only few people there. The mass was presided by a guest priest, Fr. Mon Bernabe. Two years ago, we were also in the same mass (Dec.21) and as always he was able to explain the message of today's Gospel. Very simple yet understandable.

In my 5 years as SMW, I'm in my 4 years serving for Misa de Gallo, its the 3rd time that I will be reading the same verses for today from the song of Solomon. Its very poetic, deep and heartfelt that I almost memorize this already. :) Connection of this please? "Halika na aking mahal, at sa akin ay sumama ka."

Again, went home to have breakfast with my big man.

>> December 22 (Tuesday)

Day 7: Just the same, still almost late and Wapo would comment on it. The mass went on normally, Fr. Celoi presiding it. Today was about Magnificat as what I remember it right? Mama Mary's song of praise.

Catch up some sleep after breakfast because I will meet my friends in High School for lunch.

>> December 23 (Wednesday)

Day 8: Today is Kuya's birthday. And I am late for mass. Actually, just in time for mass but not for the parol offering. Wapo wants me to go early for the offering of parol with him. They have two parols and he wants me (as well as her titas) to carry one for them, and so, it ended that he got the two parols with him to offer. I still went to stay were the group was (with his friends - the senior knights). Good thing there was Justine that I can talk with. After communion, Wapo was already with us, scolding me for being late and not being with him. Hahaha.. :D 

>> December 24 (Thursday)

Day 9: Last day of Misa de Gallo, and I am way too early today. I called Wapo and he is already getting ready. Then I received a text message from him saying.."Bilisan mo bebe chubs, happy monthsary". Oh yes, today is 24, I forgot. My mind is occupied that today is only Christmas Eve, and thats it. I forgot that its our monthsary as well.

When I came to the church, he was hiding something from behind. Its a paper bag, probably his gift for me? Ok. :) I was surprised, he rarely does that. We wore the same shirt that day. My Christmas gift to him, actually. Since the beginning, I was fond of matchy things between us. Shirts, pins, watch, etc etc.

So we look cute. Hahaha. Lakas maka-coke ng outfit namin.

Because I was early, I saw that there was only 1 lector, and in a few minutes, the parol offering is about to start. So, I went in to check. Good thing my polo has a white collar and I'm wearing shoes today. I borrowed the sutana at the sacristy and got ready. Though I'm not prepared for this, I come in and stand as the commentator. I started the parol offering and prayer. Good thing, Kuya Allan came to rescue after. Then, he started the mass proper. I dressed back again and went back were Wapo was.

After mass, we had breakfast with the gang. Hahaha. I mean, the friends. Tapsi time and a few kwentuhan.

At 9pm, me and Mama attended the salubong. There were a lot of people already 30 mins before the mass started. A lot were standing and were irritated because of the hotness due to the number of people. Nothing really remarkable about what happened during the mass. Sad to say.

** And my novena prayer / wish - I will keep it to myself first. Hopefully, I can get the answers by next year :)

And thats it, this is how my Misa de Gallo this year went through. I little bit different when it comes to the "feeling" I have felt few years back. I am sorry to say that. I lot of things have change from how the church look like, that "energy" from the mass goers, the solemnity of the mass, the church activities / creativity - it was different. A lot has changed. I can feel the "pananamlay" and it is very sad.

I wish and pray that the "energy" will come back. So that everyone can feel "Christmas" and that it will radiate happiness to everyone who was attending the mass. That Christmas is about Jesus, about being together with the family, about happiness, forgiveness and renewal. That we should share love and thank God for giving us Jesus, our savior.

So, from my family to yours, Merry Christmas!!!