Dear Self

Looking back...

When I was 10, all I think of is to be good in school. I need to have good grades to show to Papa so that he'll be happy and usually, I get a prize for that. Papa was working abroad and we usually write him letters to update him on how things are going here. Mama was the one who was there for me. She goes with me to school and attend to all the things I need. She was supportive and always pushed me to be at my best but never pressured me. I have few friends in school too. I was leaving like a normal 10 year old who want to be good for her parents.

When I was 20, I was very determined to graduate. Life has not been so easy for us. All I want is to graduate and work immediately. I want to provide for my family. I was looking forward that Mama will just stay at home with Papa and enjoy everything I can give them.

I also started serving in the church. This is something I have been wanting to do, but don't have the confidence to start with. But God has called me to serve and I am happy I listened and went for it. 

At 20, I was also curious about love. I felt that I am already in the right age to explore love and be loved in return. So, I was brave enough to discover it. I had my first boyfriend.

Today, I am 30. I feel old. But nevertheless, I have learned so many things about life. I discover more things about my self and my capacity to handle things. I always try to be the better version of myself just as what God has want me to be.

I learned to open myself more. The introvert girl in me is still there but she is learning to weight things and to whom to put her trust with. I needed to open my mind to understand things more. And when you do, you will hurt less. Understanding that things happen for a reason may be an understatement, but  it is about trusting in God's plans for you. I also learn to be contented. Big or small, be thankful. It may be different from what others have achieved, but still, God has blessed us. We should never compare.  Trust in God's perfect timing.

And in love, don't be fooled with being inlove. It is not in the years of being together. Learn when to stop. And don't forget to love yourself too. Don't lose yourself in the relationship. You know what you deserve and don't be sorry about that. You need someone who knows how to value your worth.

I will write again to my 40 year old self in 10 years time. I hope, I make her proud of what the years will mold me. And by that time, I do hope I have someone with me to share life too. Just a happy life.

Celebrating it today was different, because we are on a global pandemic. It is hard to enjoy when there is a lot of things happening around. I worry with a lot of things in my mind. But trusting to God, is our hope that things will get better, and soon, things will be back to normal.

Dear self, Happy 30th! ❤

Everything will be better soon. And someone out there will find you. He will love and value your worth. You will be happy. Mama and Papa will be okay, and you will make them proud. Just trust in God's plans and His perfect timing.

Love,
Jazel ♡

30 ♡

God says.. "Prepare yourself. I am about to take you to another level of your life." ♡ 30

God is the reason why even in pain, I smile, in confusion, I understand, in betrayal, I trust and in fear, I continue to fight.

Thank you to all those who remember today. ♡

Yup, I loss 4kilos during ECQ. 🤗

Love,
Jazel ⚘
05.23.2020

For Mama

If I was only brave enough to tell the world my story, I would shout it out aloud for everyone to hear. But my story wasn't the typical one, I'm afraid I might hurt other people by telling this secret. But nevertheless, I am proud that I went through all these things and the person I have become with Mama's love and guidance.

I am loved. So much. ❤

I will be forever grateful to God for sending me to my parents. 

For Mama -

She had spent all her time taking care for me. Attending to my needs and wants and been so supportive of whatever I like. There were turn of events when she needed to work, and she did it. I saw how much sacrifice she had to take to make things easy for me. All the hardship she went through just to send me to school. I have seen all of those. It was heart breaking and heartwarming at the same time. It warms my heart because I know how much I am loved, and it breaks too because I've seen her do everything even things were difficult. I never heard her complain though I know she's in pain and tired. She still does it for me.

When things get better at home and when I finally got a job, I tried to make it  up with her. But I never heard her asked anything from me. She was contented. She is happy with the simple things, nothing grand. She never asked for more. She never obliged me for anything. A simple ice cream is happiness to her already.

I am no perfect daughter to deserve such selfless mother. She has so much love for me. Though we aren't expressive in saying all the sweet words, I feel everything of it, love is overflowing. Love as act of service is more than what words can say.

I don't know what else to say, she is more than anything in this world. A treasure I don't know ever exist. Something I will forever be thankful for.

In this life, I know I should know the truth, but for such reasons, I rather not know the story. I am more than contented of what I have, I have Mama. I am more than blessed to deserve someone like her. I am forever grateful that she had accepted me and much more. No one can ever replace her. Her love for me is incomparable. And I wish nothing else but her happiness in this world. Her comfort. Her simple joys.

What I am today is because of her, my achievements - it's hers. She lived by an example hard to reach. She will always be my inspiration to be best in whatever I do. A model of not just being a good person but a good mother in the future. A mother whose love is not measured by blood, but of how big is her heart. Selfless. Full of love and forgiveness. A love much to give and overflowing. That is her. She wants nothing more but her child's comfort and happiness.

I love you Ma! ❤

Thank you for loving me with no hesitations nor conditions. I will forever be thankful to God for you.