Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Sweet Escape


We were two souls who needed some fresh air, an escape from the busy city, from the stressful work and from the life we had. And there we were, finding comfort in each other, making each other feel, “you are not alone.”

We’ve been friends for two years now. I can’t explain much of the friendship we have. He would tease me, and sometimes bully me. But that is something we enjoy laughing at. He would always ask questions related to work, and our day was just about that. We would sometimes have our small talks about life – family, friends and love. We are opposites. Our life is a total contrast of each other.  He is the happy go lucky one, and I'm the quiet serious type. He makes most of his time to enjoy his life, he travels, explore, and make the most of it because as he always say, he only have few years left as he is sick. While on the other hand, my life seems to be boring. I can’t afford to enjoy it as much as he does, for I am stuck to be the perfect daughter, the provider, and the role model. I have lot of priorities in life, that I rarely have time for myself.

We didn’t really have the chance to hang out due to our conflicting schedules. Only few times when we get the chance to eat lunch and talk. But there are plans of going out, to try something new, to watch an interesting movie, to try different things and check some on my bucket list. He wanted to help me conquer my fears and try out new things.

One day, he asked me out and we went to Nuvali. We have been talking going there but no final date yet, and I really don’t have any idea that it will happen that day. We were both free, and we decided to go together. We just had ourselves, our beep cards and some extra cash. I was excited for unplanned trips like this. I feel like, I am escaping for the real world for a while. The bus ride from Makati to Nuvali only took us about 45 minutes to an hour. We were at Solenad. Fresh Air! Yes, we had breath cold fresh air. I just think that's what we needed. We needed a place we can be at ease, and relax. We just roam around, had Starbucks to keep ourselves hot, eat some snacks and headed home after 2 hours. We still have work the next day, so we are particular with our time.

But what is special about this trip? We had the chance to talk topics we rarely talk about in person, or in a deeper sense. While waiting for other passengers at the bus, he finally started talking. We both have our long time partners. They have been together for almost 11 years, and I had a  7 years relationship. I never thought that we almost have the same story, where in I can relate so much. I think, he did most of the talking and imparting the lessons he had learned over the years. That, this is life.  “Nasanay na ako sa set-up na ganito, so parang ok nalang.” He also said, Hindi naman tayo mawawalan, kasi, baka on the first place, hindi naman tayo nagkaroon.” It actually makes sense to me right now. We were both in a situation where in our partners makes us feel they are not there  in the relationship yet we still stayed.

Then, I saw a different person during the trip. I used to see him making fun of me or irritating me. But during that time, he comforted me and made me feel safe. I actually don’t know what is happening. It seems to be wrong, but I never saw it wrong because we are friends and that was what I am thinking the whole trip. He had me in his arms. He held my cold hands, cuddle and caress me. He would pinch me like he always does and hugged me tight. Then from there, I felt how much he misses her and how much he longed for her. I know it’s a little wrong that I let him do things like that, but I felt his pain and longingness. And before we parted ways, he even asked me for a goodbye hug. It is one tight hug, “Thank you for today.”

And now, I am writing this because everything keeps repeating in my mind. I have lot of questions to him right now. "Why. Why are you too sweet all of a sudden?  What was that? Is it something you did because you have to to or because you see her in me?” I really don’t know what will happen for the days to come, but I hope I’ll be able to get the answers I needed.



Tuesday, May 30, 2017

strangers with some memories..



** One of the saddest endings of all stories.
This applies in all kinds of relationships, especially with FRIENDSHIP.. Because people come and go in our lives. And most of the time, they just go without any particular reason. They just leave everything behind. Leave all the memories. And eventually, erase US in their lives for good.

I just hate this kind of goodbyes...
Because I treasure memories so much. I treasure "friendship" in a deeper sense, and it hurts me so much how a happy story ends with such a sad goodbye.

xx JaJa

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Birthday Blues

Oh hello again..

Just wanted to express my thoughts..
So, it was my birthday yesterday, and as usual... I always gets emotional with things I think OVER. Birthdays are not a big thing for me. It is usually just a normal day. As much as possible, I don't wanted people to know about it. I felt uneasy if people greeted me in person. But I do appreciate their greetings. Maybe, I'm just not the type who are up for celebrations, or I am just used to spent it as an ordinary day.

Birthdays for us is a simple lunch / dinner at home with family. Pancit or spaghetti will do. Since it falls on summer, I don't get to celebrate it with friends, growing up.

Friends? I am not the friendly type who do the first "hi" or "hello" thing. I am usually the quiet one who listens to you and give my thoughts. I am the caring & thoughtful one. I gain friends from school, and now, at work. I just had a small group of friends. Growing up, I had spent most days at home playing with myself and my only cousin. I had no friends besides her. My childhood is not a bad one, but as you noticed, its not as exciting as most kids had.

Maybe that is one reason why I value friendship so much. That when I get close with someone and get too much attached, I value and treasure her / him so much. I am too caring & thoughtful, and that  particular "friend" is special in all ways. It was an automatic treatment and gesture.

So.. why I get emotional again?

Since, I only have a small group of friends, I would know who were there and who were not. Them remembering my special day is something I really appreciate. They know how I love long messages and heart warming greetings.

And it always saddened me whenever one slowly get out of that small circle after he / she had found new friends. After some time, busy schedules and distance will keep you apart. Soon, you'll get no reply after efforts of sending hello's and how are you's.

Since its my birthday, I remember them... and suddenly felt this feeling.. "people will leave you despite all your efforts and the good things you did  for them, when they found new ones who they get along with." I may not be the exciting friend everyone wants. Nor the clown that gives the life & energy of the group, but I am the one who would listens and take cares of you. 

I miss them..
And now, I fear of getting close to new friends and end up with the same sad story... 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

VALUE YOURSELF!




** I guess, this speaks everything I had gone through. Save yourself. Value yourself. You may lost some time, but you can still find love. That love you truly deserves. And I agree.. It's painful to let go of the love you had for years, but it's more painful to lose yourself in the process of STILL loving someone who always took you for granted. You are WORTHY of the LOVE you DESERVE. <3

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

How have you been?

Few people really knew what happened. I am lucky enough that they do not ask much. It was something I really don't know how to share. It wasn't a very painful break up, but it will not be easy. It will not be over overnight. I feel numb. I wasn't crying as much as I should, but I know I wasn't okay. There will be those nights, that all the pain I had kept will just fall in my eyes. I tried to distract myself from thinking of him, or what happened.

I am still on the process of accepting that things didn't go on our way. I try to change the things I used to do and make myself extra busy. Sometimes, I just want to be crazy and be mad at the world, but I know that I will be okay.. I will soon be okay.

I  should value myself more and wait for the one who I truly deserve. 
Someone who will make me truly happy..
Who will give me time..
Who will value me..
Who will respect me..
Who will take care of me..
Who will make me laugh..
Who will love talking & listening to me..
Who will never get tried of handling me..
and someone who will fall in love with me over and over again and won't let me go..

#MovingOn













Thursday, March 16, 2017

It's Over!

"Let him go, baby girl. Let him go and move the hell on. You need to make space in your heart for someone who has the capacity to love you just as much as you love them."

And Yes, I can now say it's over.
It has been 6 long years, and I think that was enough. I should have LOVE myself MORE. I thought, with enough time, I can make things work, but sadly, it didn't. I did all my best. I had invest so much in this relationship, and now, it hurts so much to end it this way.

I had spent a lot of my "firsts" with him.
My first boyfriend..
My first real love, and my first real heartbreak.

I always look forward to weekends because of him.
Lunch and Dinner is at best every Saturday because Mama cooks for him.
Meriendas are best spent with him.
I gain weight because I had shared every meal with him.
I manage to watch basketball games for him.
I get to know my "crazy side" because of him.
Late nights were spent talking to him.
My past Misa de Gallos and Mahal na Araw were with him.

He had been my constant buddy in everything I do.
Someone who know me to well and had manage to deal with my moods and craziness. He had witnessed all the ups and downs of my life and in my family.

But most days, when I just need someone to talk to, or the times I needed someone to pick me up, I had no one but me. I always go home late in the evening from work and I can't remember if there was a initiative from him to wait for me or pick me up. There were a lot of days I want to spend with him, but I always hear the same reasons over and over again. Same reasons that hurts me. He would always say he loves me, but I always end up questioning that. Because I always feel left behind. Unwanted. Unloved. I was not the priority. I always ask for time and for attention.

Maybe you'll think that I was too much on him, that I was selfish and too demanding. No, I am not, I just want what I deserve. I know and I understand that there are things he needs to do and prioritize, and that is fine with me. He is free to do what he wants. I just needed him to say it to me. To be conscious enough to make me feel I am not ignored. But most of the time, I would end up waiting the whole day not hearing from him where he was or what happen to him.

Every time things get wrong, I would always think for that one big reason why I am still here for him. That reason, that always make my heart melts.. that, I love him.. I love him too much that I always do all the understanding and adjusting. Reasons I myself can't fully figure out why. I love him for reasons I can't understand.

Its hard to handle everything ALONE. That this relationship should be a working partnership. I need him to make extra EFFORT, but most of the time, there is none.

This wasn't easy. It took me 6 years, because I thought WE can work this out. But if its only ME, it wouldn't work. I needed him to be serious and be matured enough that LOVE is not all about the sweet and happy things alone. That it is something that he should take care and nourish. Time will come, I will be too tired to understand the same reasons over and over again.. and I think, I just did..

Because if he truly loves me, he will do the impossible just to make things work.
and to finally end this...

"The wrong person makes YOU beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you."









Thursday, March 2, 2017

Para sa Kaibigang Iniwan ng Walang Dahilan

Hindi ko alam kung paano
at hindi ko din alam kung bakit?
Bakit ka ba dumadalaw sa
panaginip ko ng paulit ulit?

Ano bang nangyari?
Hindi na ikaw ung dati...
Ung dating kaibigan ko..
Ung dating andyan para pakinggan ako.

Masakit para sa akin na mawala nalang ang lahat ng ganoon kadali.
Masakit para sa akin na makalimutan mo nalang ang lahat sa isang saglit.

Oo.. marahil ay minahal kita ng higit pa kesa sa isang kaibigan,
Pero tinanggap ko na hanggang doon nalang un at ako'y nanatiling andiyan.

Kasama mo sa lahat ng kalokohan.
Kadamay sa lahat ng kalungkutan,
Kasangga sa lahat ng laban,
Tinulungan sa lahat ng babaeng iyong niligawan,
Nanatiling iyong kaibigan kahit nasasaktan.

Alam kong, walang tayo.
Sinubukan kong kalimutan ang aking nararamdaman,
para  isalba ang ating pagkakaibigan.
Pero anong nangyari?
Bakit sa dulo'y mawawala ka din.

"Bestfriend", yan ang sabi mo sa akin.
Pero bakit tayo ngayon ganito?
Ako'y isang ordinaryong tao nalang na hindi na saklaw ng mundo mo.
Anong nagawa kong masama?
Anong nangyari't naglaho nalang bigla?
Hindi ako nakalimot bumati sa lahat ng okasyon,
Pero seensoned lang ang lahat  ng iyon.
Ni walang "hi" or "hello" or "kumusta" man lamang.
Anong nangyari sa "Bes" na ating noo'y tawagan?

May pagtatampo ako sa aking puso.
Nasasaktan na ganoon mo nalang ako kadaling nakalimutan,
mula sa lahat ng ating napagdaanan.

Paulit ulit kita napapanaginipan ng walang dahilan.
Pilit ata inaalala ng utak ko ang nakaraan,
Hinahanap hanap ang noo'y aking kaibigan.
Ung makakausap ko't mapagkwekwentuhan,
at dadamay  sa malungkot kong dinaramdam.

Ngayon'y ay bumubuo ka na ng sarili mong pamilya.
Gusto ko maging masaya para sa'yo.
kahit ako'y patuloy na nagtatampo.
Sana, isang araw, masagot ang lahat ng mga tanong ko
at bumalik ang dating KAIBIGAN na nakilala ko.