Hindi Pinili

Ano kaya ung pakiramdam ng pinipili?

Ilang ulit ako humarap sa salamin

at tinanong ang sarili ko

kung ano ang mali?

Anong panget?

Ano pa ang kulang?

Bakit ba hindi ako nagiging sapat para magustuhan?

Bakit laging may tanong?

Bakit laging may pag aalinlangan?

Kahit anong gawin ko,

hindi ako ang nakikita.

Laging may mas higit.

Laging may mas nakakalamang.

Ano bang pagkakaiba ko sa tanan?

Ako ung nandito pero iba ang hinahanap.

Ako ung nasa harapan pero hindi nakikita.

Kelan ba ako magiging sapat

para sa pamantayan ng mundo?

Pwede bang ako naman?

Ako naman sana ung makita.

Sana ako naman ung kailanganin.

Sana ako naman ung pahalagahan.

Sana ako naman ang piliin.

Kasi kahit anong pilit ko,

pag hindi ka talaga gusto,

hindi ka gusto.

Tapos ang kwento.

What are the chances?

Hey! It's love month and few days before Valentine's Day. And here I am trying to write again especially with all these things in my mind. All the hugots from the people around me, from the dramas I watched or just random feeling I felt or something that crossed my mind.

What are the chances?

What are the chances that we can't love back the person who likes us, especially if that is a good person? That is why there is this dating stage to further know the person. Well, for me, it is not about the looks or whatever, it is still the connection. I know, maybe when we are younger, that matters to us. But today, in this age, me personally, wants someone who can connect with me. Who can understand my silence and respects it. Someone who will not judge, but understands even if he doesn't know the whole story. A life partner. Someone that brings you smile despite doing nothing. Who can stay with you, keep you safe and protect you. Someone who listens more than talk. Whose priority is to make you happy. A relationship built with a good foundation of friendship.

What are the chances of being brave enough to confess your feelings for a good friend? Friendship between a girl and a guy is possible, but most of the time, the other may fall for the other. It may be mutual or one sided but how brave are you of the chances? How will you know if you don't ask? I know this is one of the hardest things to do, especially if something is at stake - your friendship. It may break, or advance your relationship to the next level but falling for your bestfriend is also a best feeling, right? So, go for it! You will never know the answer unless you try.

If he is not for it, then someone is out there for you. If he walk away after confessing your feelings and you lose the friendship eventually, then maybe he don't value what you have. If you went for it and it fails, at least, you were able to learn from it and hopefully, you can still be friends after. And if you go for it and found yourselves happy, congratulations! Keep what you have and treasure it.

What are the chances of loving someone else despite the fact of being in a relationship? Hmm.. that is complicated! Why fall for someone when you are committed? It is not just a matter of being faithful, but also being confuse of who do you really love. You need to assess and decide. Will you leave your relationship for a new found love? How sure are you of the new one? Maybe you are just mistaken of what you feel. Are you still happy? Whatever your decision may be, someone might get hurt, just make sure to go out of situation in good terms for both - the one you are in relationship with, and the new one. Let us not judge those in this situation, it is possible to happen even with the nicest person.

What are the chances to go running back to your ex? Are you open to give second chance a try? That maybe this time around, you can fix what have gone wrong and give love a chance to get back on you. There is nothing really wrong about it, it may work out, it may not. For me, it all depends on the foundation of what you used to have. Go back where you started feeling the kilig, maybe you can pick it from there to start a new one again. I guess you will just feel it, if it is worth to try again.

What are the chances of you breaking up because of long distance relationship? This may work out for some, and may not work out for many. I believe it is because we wanted love to be felt in the presence of our partners physically. Someone you can see, touch, hug and kiss. We are so affectionate we need assurance of love to be seen through that. But why does it work for some? Again, let us go back to the foundation of the relationship. How well do you know each other? How can trust be so significant with it. We are all different, and LDR may not be possible for all, but always remember that trust is a big part of any relationship, may it be far or near, seen or not. Work out to build a good foundation in your relationship and you will never be in doubt.

What are the chances of breaking up from your long time relationship? It is possible, no matter how we try to keep one relationship healthy, it can break apart. How long is long? Like 5 years, 7 years, 10 years? It is actually not on numbers anymore. It can happen to anyone even to married couples. Don't let the number of years define the relationship, it is the journey how you kept the relationship strong despite the problems you faced along the way all those years. If it is not healthy anymore and it doesn't work out, don't hesitate or double think to let it go. It will never be a waste of time. Maybe it is not yet your "the one".

As what they say, in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. Chances don't approach you, it's you who approaches the chances.

Take this chance because you never know how perfect what is waiting for you.

 

Paano Kung Tayo

I am alone in the office, and Ben&Ben songs played in my background. There was a pen and paper in front of me, and I began to write while waiting for the report running in my computer. It was very random. Very raw emotions filling me in. Maybe this is something my heart wants me to write for a while now.

So, here's my quick poem while listening to Ben&Ben.

PAANO KUNG TAYO

Minsan naisip ko

Paano kung tayo?

Paano kung tulad tayo ng mga

magkasintahan na nakikita ko?

Nagtatawanan.. Sweetsweetan..

Magkadikit.. Nagkwekwentuhan..

Hindi mapaghiwalay.. Naghaharutan..

May ngiti sa bibig,

May kinang sa mga mata,

Hindi maipaliwanag na saya.

Pero, napahinto ako..

Para atang imposible kung titignan ko.

Isang pangarap na parang malabo,

Napakataas, hindi ko maabot,

Napakailap, hindi ko mahawakan,

Napakabilis, hindi ko mahabol.

Paano magiging tayo?

Lalapitan mo kaya ako para

tanungin ang pangalan ko?

Mapapatingin ka ba pag dumaan

ako sa harap mo?

Parang imposible talaga.

Ngunit sa isip isip ko, sana magkatotoo..

Sana, kaya mapansin ng tulad mo,

ang isang tulad ko.

Pero paano magiging tayo?

Sa dami ng tao sa paligid mo,

hindi mo mapapansin ang pagtingin ko.

Kaya, ang dasal ko, sana isang araw,
tumingin ka naman sa direksyon na ito.

At kung sakaling maging tayo..

Pangako, hindi ka na mag iisa.

Hindi ka na mag iisa doon sa upuang

lagi mong tinatambayan sa opisina.

Hindi ka na mag iisang kumain pa.

Tatawa ka na ulit gaya ng dati.

Aalagaan kita at sasamahan lagi.

At pag naging tayo, wala ng paano,

masasagot na ang lahat ng tanong ng puso mo.

xoxo
Jayz

Jeepney Love Story

Let me share my unforgettable Jeepney Love Story...

(which happened a week ago) Hahaha! 😂

Background of the story:

I have crush at work for years now and he is my happy pill. Nothing really serious, just someone I see from a far and get "kilig" in his presence. He is someone I always see in the hallway, in the pantry or the guy I almost bumped into. Like, I always see him from the big crowd. Yes, I know him by name. I have my sources. Hahaha! 😂 #StalkingSkills 

But if he knew me, that, I am not sure. Recently, something happened over Linkedin. Months ago, I viewed his profile. When I checked it back, he viewed mine as well. With Linkedin, the name of the person who viewed you appears, so, what will I do? Hahaha. He might probably knew me now and would probably think I am stalking him. (I am) 😜

❤❤❤

So, the jeepney story happened one night. I was on my way to work, and I am running late, it was almost 10pm. I was the first to seat and I sat near the jeepney door. Then, about 3 to 4 passengers to go, I saw him at the door. He looked at me. I was shocked and I really hope it didn't appear in my face that moment. So, he entered and sat beside me. Yes, beside me, OMG!! And I remember it right, there was no available space beside me but he made a way to have a little space so he can sit. I really don't know what to do. Few seconds later, he gave his fare, then I remember, how would I gave my fare to the driver. There was no other way but for him to get mine. I was so hesitant, but I don't have a choice. So, I modulate my voice, act normal and gave my fare. Hahaha! I really feel awkward that time. So, he went to get my fare. 😊 I can't even remember if I said thank you (I think, I did). We were so close. His elbows are already touching mine's. As in. My heart is exploding! ❤ Hahaha. So, when we got off the jeep, I went out first, and tried to act and walk normal. I really don't know what to do. Waaaaaah!! But my normal walk is really fast and he was few meters behind me. Then he went to 7-11 that is the only time I got to finally relax. Woooo!!

What was on my mind:

Did it really happen? Why would he sit beside me, on the first place, there was no enough space in there. Did he knew me? Did he recognize me as that girl in Linkedin who stalked him, I mean viewed him? Waaaah.. I really don't know the answers. I don't want to make any move or do anything crazy. But I am definitely kilig in his presence. Yeah.. I want to know him personally and be friends with him. I hope the next time I bumped into him, he would smile and for sure, I will smile back. But this is all I can do from now... To be kilig from a far.

So, here is Yeng Constantino with Jeepney Love Story

https://youtu.be/L5MeBNrst5s

Much Love,

Jazel ❤

I Finally Did It

It has been few months. A lot happened and I guess, I will have more time to update my blog now. So, let me share something I got from Facebook. Actually, I  relate to a lot of his post and I actually don't know what it is in him, that as if he reads my mind and my heart. His post are painful, but very honest. It just speaks everything I want to shout out at this very moment. So here it's goes...

WORDS by NEIL JED CASTRO

So, after a constant struggle, she finally did it.

No mo sleepless nights for her. No more tears every midnight. No more sudden anxiety. No more chest pains. No more questioning about her worth. No more catching feelings. She did it.

She has finally let go of the toxic relationship that she was in. She has finally realized that it was no longer worth fighting. She has finally realized to love herself first. She has finally realized that she has  to prioritized herself first.

She has finally let go of the memories of you. She has finally let go of the thought of you. She has finally let go of all the grudges and pain. She lose you but she found herself.

She is not bitter. She is even thankful of you. You made her realized a lot of things. She will remember you not the person she used to love but as a learning experience. Thank you for making her braver!

And to the other girls going through the same thing, you will get there!

.....................................................................................................................................................................

And after 7 years, it finally ended. No more tears, more of .. "I can finally breathe". We have been to a lot, and it was not an easy ride. All of the memories will not be erased overnight, but I know everything will be ok. There are still no regrets - I became happy and I have loved him. But maybe things will be better of this way now. 

Thank you, and I wish you'll be ok too.

Sweet Escape

We were two souls who needed some fresh air, an escape from the busy city, from the stressful work and from the life we had. And there we were, finding comfort in each other, making each other feel, “you are not alone.”

We’ve been friends for two years now. I can’t explain much of the friendship we have. He would tease me, and sometimes bully me. But that is something we enjoy laughing at. He would always ask questions related to work, and our day was just about that. We would sometimes have our small talks about life – family, friends and love. We are opposites. Our life is a total contrast of each other.  He is the happy go lucky one, and I'm the quiet serious type. He makes most of his time to enjoy his life, he travels, explore, and make the most of it because as he always say, life is too short. While on the other hand, my life seems to be boring. I can’t afford to enjoy it as much as he does, for I am stuck to be the perfect daughter, the provider, and the role model. I have lot of priorities in life, that I rarely have time for myself.

We didn’t really have the chance to hang out due to our conflicting schedules. Only few times when we get the chance to eat lunch and talk. But there are plans of going out, to try something new, to watch an interesting movie, to try different things and check some on my bucket list. He wanted to help me conquer my fears and try out new things.

One day, he asked me out and we went to Nuvali. We have been talking going there but no final date yet, and I really don’t have any idea that it will happen that day. We were both free, and we decided to go together. We just had ourselves, our beep cards and some extra cash. I was excited for unplanned trips like this. I feel like, I am escaping for the real world for a while. The bus ride from Makati to Nuvali only took us about 45 minutes to an hour. We were at Solenad. Fresh Air! Yes, we had breath cold fresh air. I just think that's what we needed. We needed a place we can be at ease, and relax. We just roam around, had Starbucks to keep ourselves hot, eat some snacks and headed home after 2 hours. We still have work the next day, so we are particular with our time.

But what is special about this trip? We had the chance to talk topics we rarely talk about in person, or in a deeper sense. While waiting for other passengers at the bus, he finally started talking. We both have our long time partners. They have been together for almost 11 years, and I had a  7 years relationship. I never thought that we almost have the same story, where in I can relate so much. I think, he did most of the talking and imparting the lessons he had learned over the years. That, this is life.  “Nasanay na ako sa set-up na ganito, so parang ok nalang.” He also said, “Hindi naman tayo mawawalan, kasi, baka on the first place, hindi naman tayo nagkaroon.” It actually makes sense to me right now. We were both in a situation where in our partners makes us feel they are not there in the relationship yet we still stayed.

Then, I saw a different person during the trip. I used to see him making fun of me or irritating me. But during that time, he comforted me and made me feel safe. I actually don’t know what is happening. It seems to be wrong, but I never saw it wrong because we are friends and that was what I am thinking the whole trip. He had me in his arms. He held my cold hands, cuddle and caress me. He would pinch me like he always does and hugged me tight. Then from there, I felt how much he misses her and how much he longed for her. I know it’s a little wrong that I let him do things like that, but I felt his pain and longingness. And before we parted ways, he even asked me for a goodbye hug. It is one tight hug, “Thank you for today.”

And now, I am writing this because everything keeps repeating in my mind. I have lot of questions to him right now. "Why. Why are you too sweet all of a sudden?  What was that? Is it something you did because you have to or because you see her in me?” I really don’t know what will happen for the days to come, but I hope I’ll be able to get the answers I needed.

VALUE YOURSELF!

** I guess, this speaks everything I had gone through. Save yourself. Value yourself. You may lost some time, but you can still find love. That love you truly deserves. And I agree.. It's painful to let go of the love you had for years, but it's more painful to lose yourself in the process of STILL loving someone who always took you for granted. You are WORTHY of the LOVE you DESERVE. <3

How have you been?

Few people really knew what happened. I am lucky enough that they do not ask much. It was something I really don't know how to share. It wasn't a very painful break up, but it will not be easy. It will not be over overnight. I feel numb. I wasn't crying as much as I should, but I know I wasn't okay. There will be those nights, that all the pain I had kept will just fall in my eyes. I tried to distract myself from thinking of him, or what happened.

I am still on the process of accepting that things didn't go on our way. I try to change the things I used to do and make myself extra busy. Sometimes, I just want to be crazy and be mad at the world, but I know that I will be okay.. I will soon be okay.

I  should value myself more and wait for the one who I truly deserve. 

Someone who will make me truly happy..

Who will give me time..

Who will value me..

Who will respect me..

Who will take care of me..

Who will make me laugh..

Who will love talking & listening to me..

Who will never get tried of handling me..

and someone who will fall in love with me over and over again and won't let me go..

#MovingOn

Paalam

Isang salitang akala ko'y hindi ko maririnig mula sa'yo

Kaya ako ay hindi makapaniwala nang marinig ko ito.

Para mo akong sinaksak ng paulit ulit,

Binaril at ginulpi hanggang sa mangawit

Akala ko'y hanggang dulo na ang ating kwento

Ngunit ano ba ang nagawa ko't humantong tayo sa ganito?

Paalam.. mga katagang iyong binitiwan,

at siya na rin pumutol sa ating ugnayan.

Salitang pumutol sa kung anong meron tayo

Wala ng ikaw at ako.

Paano na tayo? Paano na ang ating kwento?

Ikaw ay umalis at nilisan ako..

Sabi mo, bubuo ka ng sarili mong mundo.

Mundong hindi na ako ang sentro

at mundong wala na sa piling ko.

Sabi mo, kailangan mo hanapin ang sarili mo

Hanapin ito na wala na ako sa litrato.

Sabi mo, kailangan mo ng oras..

Oras na mag isa at hindi na ako kasama.

Anong maling aking nagawa

at paalam ay kailangan mong sabihin?

Anong nawala na kailangan mong hanapin?

Ganon nalang ba kadali talikuran

ang ilang taong aking pinagsamahan?

Alam mong hindi ako perpekto,

ngunit ginawa ko ang lahat para sa'yo.

Pero bakit sa huli, kulang pa din pala.

Sumuko ka nalang at hindi kinaya.

Paalam.. ang sakit pakinggan.

Ang hirap padin tanggapin..

na bigla nalang nawala ang pag-ibig mo para sa akin.

Hahanap hanapin ko ang tunog ng iyong tawa,

ang simangot pag galit ka na,

ang maamo mong mukha sa umaga

ang mga kamay mo pag tayo'y naglalakad na,

at ang init ng yakap mo sa tuwina.

Paalam..

Paalam na yata talaga.

Sa taong minahal ko ng sobra.

Hindi ko batid na ganon ang naramdaman mo

at sa paalam nauwi ang ating kwento.

************

02.03.17

jjlb

The story behind this poem..

I really miss writing, as to date this is my first this year.
Well, few weeks ago, someone sent me a poem to read and encourage me to write again. After a day or two, I had a conversation with another friend about writing, and even shared with me something he wrote. Then, we both agreed to write again, and the topic I thought was about goodbyes.

My "hugot" was to be on a point view of a man. Though I may not know much of how they feel or how they react towards a situation, I hope, I was able to impart the message of the poem. Sometimes, love gets lost. And if that happens,  what will you do, if the person you love would eventually go and find that lost love? A love he / she didn't NOW found in you.

I don't want goodbyes..

But I guess, you need it in order to move forward and rise up again from your fall.

TRUE

But how will you measure love? On the number of things he bought for you? For the things he gave you? The times he paid for the dates you had? For the movies you watched? The money he spent just to fetch you?

LOVE is never measured in material things nor any means. 

But why is there such thing as "One is being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough?"

Simple.. you have taken for granted the love being given to you. You care less, you don't give enough attention, time and effort the way he/she does to you. And there you will find the difference between the love received from the love given. You look for what is missing.

LOVE should never be compared, but you should know how to recognize it, be thankful for it and value it.

<3 jazel

LOVE is not easy, but its worth it

** NO ONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY, BUT ITS WORTH THE TRY **

The One That Got Away

TOTGA (The One That Got Away)

A lot may be familiar with this phrase or tag line. This got me thinking when I heard it from the movie, "Ex with Benefits" of Derek Ramsay and Colleen Garcia last 2015. Though, I think this has been a very popular topic among friends, office mates and colleagues.

So.. who is the one that got away?

For me, it is that person who was once in your life when everything was perfect, everything is great and ideal, but the timing was just wrong. For reasons, things will not go the way you want it to be. And that person just got to be away..

According to http://www.urbandictionary.com

The One That Got Away
1. The mate from a past relationship or friendship who, in the present reality, seems the ideal match, if it weren't for some force beyond your control, fate or otherwise, keeping you apart.

2. In virtually any context, someone you meet and share a significant encounter with who holds qualities akin to "the one" but for circumstance sake you are separated from; always after the fact.

3. The person dated casually, but never seriously, who could have been more.

4. In Bro Parlance: The one girl who a guy liked but with whom he never quite connected or "scored".

5. More broadly, any love regret More apt: A One That Got Away.

Years passed, we got matured and a lot of things have changed. Then one day, for some "you don't know reasons", you'll wonder about the one that got away.

"What if he is here today?"

"What if we were together now?"

"What if things got okay?"
and that is probably the biggest "WHAT IF?" of your life - the one that got away.

So.. who is my Mr. TOTGA??

I met my "The One That Got Away" when I was in my senior year in high school, I was just 16. 

I met him 10 years ago in a text clan. I never expect myself to get into things like that, but then it just happen. I don't know him personally but he is one of those I really got close to. He is one person I enjoyed talking to. He knows how to listen and give his good point of view on things. His words are direct, meaningful and true. He is sweet and knows how to treat every girl right, with the right words to say and the gestures to show. He was the ideal guy. Well mannered, with good family values, God-fearing and the perfect gentleman. 

We have been regular text mates-phone pals for a year or two. We have been really good friends, and I couldn't deny that I was already falling for him that time. Who wouldn't anyway? But how will you love someone who you just met through text? Or someone you haven't personally met? I am let with the question, is this really love that I'm feeling?

I never had a boyfriend that time, and he knows that falling in love was not in my vocabulary, especially to someone who I just met through text. So, we remain very good friends, really close friends. Just friends. He never knew what I felt for him, and I am not sure if he have feelings for me too, but he was one of the sweetest, caring and thoughtful person I knew.

But even as friends, there was no perfect relationship. I actually forgot what happened wrong. I know there were a few misunderstandings but we were able to fix things up. There was no major fight or misunderstanding but things didn't get back the way they used to be. Plus that fact that both of us got busy in school and in our personal lives. No more texts or calls, or even messages in facebook. I just woke up one day that the "closeness" we have was already gone. But what we had is something special I really want to keep. That in every occasion - his birthday, Christmas and New Year, I would greet him. He or he may not reply, and its okay. I just want him to feel remembered by greeting him on those special events. So, that goes until today.

Last year (2015), I got a very thankful message from him when I greet him on his birthday. I was too happy, I even wrote it down in my journal. His message was really heartfelt and I can't help myself being so grateful that he did appreciate my efforts with our friendship after all these years. Christmas came, I got to message him and he replied. I tried to start a conversation by asking how he was but he might be busy that I got no reply. New Year came, and he was the first one to greet me. I was really surprised and touched of his message of appreciation to our friendship. 

About a month ago (January 2016), he posted something on facebook, which he rarely does and I just can't help but to comment on it. I congratulate him for his new endeavor as a pilot. Yes, he is a pilot. He went in an Aviation school. After college, he worked as an instructor and now, he will be leading to his dream path to finally go to places and fly. I am really happy for him. It was late in the evening, around 12am when I got the notification that he liked my comment. I immediately send him my personal message of congratulations, and wow.. he replied. To be honest, I was feeling excited. This might be a start of our catching up. And yes, we did. :D

He asked me if he can call, and I said yes. But there was a problem with his signal, so.. I'm the one who called. You just don't know how nervous I was. My hands are getting cold and I am already shivering. I was so tense! After how many years, I would hear his voice and I would talk to him again. The feeling is really weird. Hahaha. But I was totally happy. He sounded different, a much matured man I must say. But he was still the same friend who was very concerned. He felt I was going into something that he throw lot of questions to me and what I've been through. He who would listen attentively and give his personal views. That fact that he was there to listen to me is a big thing for me. He is one person you would love talking to. There were some dead air at first as I don't know what to say, but after a while, we were back on tract. I missed this guy who has been my favorite listener and adviser.

We reminisce the old times, and he came up with the very awkward question.. "naging tayo ba?". I got really shocked when I heard his question and I don't know what to say, I paused for a while and carry a loud laugh, "Hindi. Hahaha.." Then, he said, "Hindi naging tayo? Pero bakit ung closeness natin dati grabe at sa lahat ikaw ung naalala ko, tapos hindi naging tayo?" Yes. there was never really an "us", but I think we acted as if we were (then). So maybe thats why, ours was special. We have built a wonderful friendship and wonderful memories.

That was an amazing night, we really got some good catching up. We went back in those old days, and find ourselves laughing on them. Like that moment I sang for him, and he sang for me. That moment when we first met (and that he don't remember it but its a good thing he didn't). :) I shared to him that I wrote a story inspired by meeting him. That as of writing is still open ended. It has been 10 years when I met him, and 8 years since I started writing the story and I just don't know how to end it until now. He requested for a copy of it even if it was not yet finished, and I promise to send him a copy. We had a long talk, and I remember ending it at around 3am. Thank you. Just when I needed someone to talk to, he was there.

The next day, I send him the story I wrote. Just screenshots from the pages of the notebook where it was written (21 pages). Hopefully, I can post it here in my blog too when I'm done writing it. After sending the story, I read it again and I felt awkward. Did I really send it to him? Waaah.. though it was partly imagination, part of it was real. And to my surprise, the last part of the story also speaks about the one who got away - him on her, and her on him (gets?). Then, I got a reply from him later that day.

"Hey I just finished reading everything. I had mixed emotions. Hehe. I felt flattered and somehow guilty. But overall I really enjoyed and appreciate it. I'm really grateful to have you. You have always been there and kept our friendship alive. You're that one special person I can always count on. And I hope that nothing will change. Thanks for being my epleyn, epleyn. :) "

I am vey happy he likes my story and as always, I am touched with the good words he says. From that last message, there was no messages from him again. I felt shy to take the first move to say "Hi". He might be busy in his new work, or his girlfriend might be bothered if I text or call him, and so.. I am waiting for him if ever he reply again.

Now, I am writing this blog about the one who got away. Yes, he was the one that got away. Before, I came on thinking why we didn't got into that deeper kind of relationship. That how I wish I was brave enough to risk what I feel. Everything seems to be perfect and I just woke up one day that I lost what we have. Though we are on speaking terms now, I miss everything we used to have. The way he treats me and the happiness I felt for the simple things he does for me. I really have a lot of "what if's" until now.

But we are both in a happy place in our lives now. We are both in a long term relationship with our respective partners. But one thing is for sure, I will treasure everything we have, especially our friendship. Though we rarely talk to each other, and I don't know him much personally, I am still looking forward to know him more and that I will always be here, to be his friend until the end of time. We may not know God's plan why we met on the first place, but lets stick to His words that every people we meet in life has a purpose and has a special part in our journey. I just know, I was destined to know you, and keep you.

All the best Paylot! I will always be here.

Much love, <3 Epleyn.

5 Taon Ang Nakaraan

About a month ago, I wrote something that I wasn't able to finish. I wanted to write a poem for Wapo since its been a while since the last time I write, and of course, my "supposed to be" present for him on our 5th year anniversary.

There were a lot of things in my head as I compose everything on my mind on my way to work, but I wasn't able to write them. Then at night, I would sit and start writing but nothing is going on my mind. The next day, a grab a piece of paper while I'm working and write anything that goes on my mind. And for a "I don't know why" reason, I wrote something in tagalog. So.. here is it.. I finished this last Dec. 26, since I started it a month ago.

5 Taon Ang Nakaraan

Hindi ko alam paano sisimulan,

ang dami kong gustong sabihin 

ngunit hindi malaman

paano uumpisahan.

5 taon ang nakaraan,

ako'y may sariling mundo

kasama ang papel at lapis na ito

sumusulat ng kahit anong

sinasabi ng puso't isip ko.

Sa aking maliit na kwaderno

sinusulat ko, mga bagay na

magpapasaya sa tahimik kong mundo.

Isa doon ay ang pangarap na sana'y

makatagpo ng kasamang bubuo ng sarili ko.

Hindi batid kung magkakatotoo ba

sa bawat letra ay may pusong umaasa,

na isang araw, darating siya't

hindi na ako mag-iisa.

Sa hindi inaasahan ay dumating ka

sa bawat araw ay unti unti mo kong pinapasaya.

Humihirit ng mga tanong kung "Pwede ba?"

"Pwede ka bang mas makilala pa?"

Lumipas ang mga araw, linggo at buwan

Hindi maiiwasan na takot ay aking maramdaman.

Ngunit paano ako sasaya,

kung hindi ko susubukan, di ba?

Ngayon ay 5 taon na ang nakaraan,

"OO" ay aking nasambitan,

kasama ang aking na dasal na

ang puso ko'y iyong pag-ingatan.

12.26.15

Happy 5 Years!! :)

Before, 5 years is already a big number for me. I can't believe that I will be writing about it now. Though I've been posting pictures of us as a couple, and I've been very expressive on my messages and greetings to him in social media, I rarely talk about "US". Of what have 5 years has done to both us.

To be honest, it feels not like 5 years, maybe just a year or 2. Maybe because, there are still a lot of things we need to wait, to finally set our minds where we are going to.

We had gone through a lot this year. Really, a roller coaster road of emotions. Through all the laughs and cries, bad and good times. It came to a point where in I just want to give up understanding. I felt so tired to take in everything and see myself miserable and unhappy. It is not that he is hurting me, its actually the "situation". Though he don't mean to do it, nor don't mean it to happen, it just hurts the same. (Maybe in time, I'll be able to talk about it in details, soon.)

Also, he is not the typical romantic and expressive boyfriend, and I knew that since the first day. He is not the type of guy who would text you how have you been or the like. He has his ways of showing his affections in a different way. Really mysterious until now I must say.

Moving forward on our 5th year, we had spent it on the simplest way I see it. We haven't actually talk about it, nor plan anything on how we will spend the day, because I have work, and he has a game. We just had our breakfast in the very famous fastfood and ate tapsilog. It was quick but I guess, I was already okay with that. Good thing, we rarely spend breakfast together and spend mornings together (only during the Misa de Gallo). There, I gave him this simple card I made the night before. Something funny was inside. I made an origami of a "kissing lips" where "mwuah mwuah tsup tsup" is labeled around. I want him to laugh by the time he will open it, then as always a heartfelt letter at the back of it.

And ohh.. I had a pimple that day. Hahaha!! :D

After eating he headed me to the bus stop and he kiss goodbye. When I was already in the MRT, I saw a message from him saying..

"Happy Anniversary Chubs. I love you".

and with the simple text, it still blew me away. Yes. actually, he rarely does that and receiving that from him, must really something.

We both go with our day, and it was pretty fine. They won in their basketball game. A lucky day for him I guess. I was hoping if we can still have dinner but I have things to finished at work and its a little late when I got home. But he still went to our house to get the lansones package I have from him that was from our province. It was a little late but we had few talks outside our house of how our day had been and that's it -- very simple, yet I can say that I am happy. Its really not on material things anymore, as long as your contented, it will makes you happy.

5 years is a big achievement, and having spent it on my first boyfriend is an added thing. I am not pressured or anything. A lot were asking "Kelan kayo magpapakasal?" I would always say, "Matagal pa." I even don't look on the future family yet. I haven't felt it now (forever). There are still a lot of things I need to fulfill and accomplish for my family. I will just be praying that God will guide us through our journey together, wherever it will leads us. Hopefully, all my waiting will be worth it. In God's perfect time.


** Jah & Pong 11.24.10