VALUE YOURSELF!

** I guess, this speaks everything I had gone through. Save yourself. Value yourself. You may lost some time, but you can still find love. That love you truly deserves. And I agree.. It's painful to let go of the love you had for years, but it's more painful to lose yourself in the process of STILL loving someone who always took you for granted. You are WORTHY of the LOVE you DESERVE. <3

How have you been?

Few people really knew what happened. I am lucky enough that they do not ask much. It was something I really don't know how to share. It wasn't a very painful break up, but it will not be easy. It will not be over overnight. I feel numb. I wasn't crying as much as I should, but I know I wasn't okay. There will be those nights, that all the pain I had kept will just fall in my eyes. I tried to distract myself from thinking of him, or what happened.

I am still on the process of accepting that things didn't go on our way. I try to change the things I used to do and make myself extra busy. Sometimes, I just want to be crazy and be mad at the world, but I know that I will be okay.. I will soon be okay.

I  should value myself more and wait for the one who I truly deserve. 

Someone who will make me truly happy..

Who will give me time..

Who will value me..

Who will respect me..

Who will take care of me..

Who will make me laugh..

Who will love talking & listening to me..

Who will never get tried of handling me..

and someone who will fall in love with me over and over again and won't let me go..

#MovingOn

It's Over!

"Let him go, baby girl. Let him go and move the hell on. You need to make space in your heart for someone who has the capacity to love you just as much as you love them."

And Yes, I can now say it's over.

It has been 6 long years, and I think that was enough. I should have LOVE myself MORE. I thought, with enough time, I can make things work, but sadly, it didn't. I did all my best. I had invest so much in this relationship, and now, it hurts so much to end it this way.

I had spent a lot of my "firsts" with him.

My first boyfriend..

My first real love, and my first real heartbreak.

I always look forward to weekends because of him.

Lunch and Dinner is at best every Saturday because Mama cooks for him.

Meriendas are best spent with him.

I gain weight because I had shared every meal with him.

I manage to watch basketball games for him.

I get to know my "crazy side" because of him.

Late nights were spent talking to him.

My past Misa de Gallos and Mahal na Araw were with him.

He had been my constant buddy in everything I do.

Someone who know me to well and had manage to deal with my moods and craziness. He had witnessed all the ups and downs of my life and in my family.

But most days, when I just need someone to talk to, or the times I needed someone to pick me up, I had no one but me. I always go home late in the evening from work and I can't remember if there was a initiative from him to wait for me or pick me up. There were a lot of days I want to spend with him, but I always hear the same reasons over and over again. Same reasons that hurts me. He would always say he loves me, but I always end up questioning that. Because I always feel left behind. Unwanted. Unloved. I was not the priority. I always ask for time and for attention.

Maybe you'll think that I was too much on him, that I was selfish and too demanding. No, I am not, I just want what I deserve. I know and I understand that there are things he needs to do and prioritize, and that is fine with me. He is free to do what he wants. I just needed him to say it to me. To be conscious enough to make me feel I am not ignored. But most of the time, I would end up waiting the whole day not hearing from him where he was or what happen to him.

Every time things get wrong, I would always think for that one big reason why I am still here for him. That reason, that always make my heart melts.. that, I love him.. I love him too much that I always do all the understanding and adjusting. Reasons I myself can't fully figure out why. I love him for reasons I can't understand.

Its hard to handle everything ALONE. That this relationship should be a working partnership. I need him to make extra EFFORT, but most of the time, there is none.

This wasn't easy. It took me 6 years, because I thought WE can work this out. But if its only ME, it wouldn't work. I needed him to be serious and be matured enough that LOVE is not all about the sweet and happy things alone. That it is something that he should take care and nourish. Time will come, I will be too tired to understand the same reasons over and over again.. and I think, I just did..

Because if he truly loves me, he will do the impossible just to make things work.

and to finally end this...

"The wrong person makes YOU beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you."

Para sa Kaibigang Iniwan ng Walang Dahilan

Hindi ko alam kung paano
at hindi ko din alam kung bakit?
Bakit ka ba dumadalaw sa
panaginip ko ng paulit ulit?

Ano bang nangyari?
Hindi na ikaw ung dati...
Ung dating kaibigan ko..
Ung dating andyan para pakinggan ako.

Masakit para sa akin na mawala nalang ang lahat ng ganoon kadali.
Masakit para sa akin na makalimutan mo nalang ang lahat sa isang saglit.

Oo.. marahil ay minahal kita ng higit pa kesa sa isang kaibigan,
Pero tinanggap ko na hanggang doon nalang un at ako'y nanatiling andiyan.

Kasama mo sa lahat ng kalokohan.
Kadamay sa lahat ng kalungkutan,
Kasangga sa lahat ng laban,
Tinulungan sa lahat ng babaeng iyong niligawan,
Nanatiling iyong kaibigan kahit nasasaktan.

Alam kong, walang tayo.
Sinubukan kong kalimutan ang aking nararamdaman,
para  isalba ang ating pagkakaibigan.
Pero anong nangyari?
Bakit sa dulo'y mawawala ka din.

"Bestfriend", yan ang sabi mo sa akin.
Pero bakit tayo ngayon ganito?
Ako'y isang ordinaryong tao nalang na hindi na saklaw ng mundo mo.
Anong nagawa kong masama?
Anong nangyari't naglaho nalang bigla?
Hindi ako nakalimot bumati sa lahat ng okasyon,
Pero seensoned lang ang lahat  ng iyon.
Ni walang "hi" or "hello" or "kumusta" man lamang.
Anong nangyari sa "Bes" na ating noo'y tawagan?

May pagtatampo ako sa aking puso.
Nasasaktan na ganoon mo nalang ako kadaling nakalimutan,
mula sa lahat ng ating napagdaanan.

Paulit ulit kita napapanaginipan ng walang dahilan.
Pilit ata inaalala ng utak ko ang nakaraan,
Hinahanap hanap ang noo'y aking kaibigan.
Ung makakausap ko't mapagkwekwentuhan,
at dadamay  sa malungkot kong dinaramdam.

Ngayon'y ay bumubuo ka na ng sarili mong pamilya.
Gusto ko maging masaya para sa'yo.
kahit ako'y patuloy na nagtatampo.
Sana, isang araw, masagot ang lahat ng mga tanong ko
at bumalik ang dating KAIBIGAN na nakilala ko.