A DREAM I KNOW WILL NEVER HAPPEN

I woke up today with a dream I know will never happen.

Why do we still dream of someone who is already out of our lives? I mean, yes, you are friends, but there was no a "hi-hello" thing or anything that keeps you connected. Yes. he was once important to you and treat you as the best-est friend ever, but then everything was gone. As much as I want to think that he is still there for me, I know everything is different now.

I dreamt of him, giving me a bouquet of flowers on my birthday which is few days from now. 

Very impossible I know. He don't even know how to say "hi". He don't message me. We don't talk nor see each other anymore. He won't even like or react to any of my FB post. I never felt his presence from a long time now. I have greeted him during the holidays (Christmas & New Year) but there was no reply. I greeted him on his birthday and sent him a very long message, and I actually don't remember his reply as it was as short as it was.

This is not to say that he was a bad person or a bad friend. I know that he recognizes the things I did and been doing until now. I just miss him. I actually miss telling him everything and expressing myself. I miss talking to him. I guess, I just needed someone to talk to right now.

He was my high school best friend (as what he said). He has been my constant listener and adviser. But when you got busy, meet new people in life and found your love story, you've gone to leave some friends behind your new found happiness. I guess that is the reason why everything was different now.

I have been into a lot the past days and weeks. I am trying to be okay. To divert all the sadness and loneliness into happiness. I have gone watching a movie, cut my hair short and even went out of town with friends. But no matter how happy I have felt, at the end of the day before I sleep, I know that there is something missing.

In a few days, will be my birthday and nothing really to expect, especially now. And to dream that your ONCE supposed to be guy-bestfriend will give you flowers on your birthday is just an imagination. I haven't received a bouquet my entire life, much more from someone I wasn't able to talk nor saw for a long time now. But why did I dreamt of him? So, what does this dream implies now?

That dreams are opposites of what will happen in reality..

I guess...

Sa Tamang Panahon

Damdamin hindi maintindihan

sa lapis at papel nalang muling idadaan

totoong isinasambit

nitong magulong isipan.

Madaming nakakapansin

nitong aking mga pasaring

na ako'y tila may problema

na kinikimkim mag-isa.

Bumalik ako sa nakaraan

kung paano kita nakilala.

Pilit inalala,

bakit ba minahal kita.

Dumating ka sa buhay ko

noong panahong handa na ako.

Bawat araw ko'y pinasaya

at pinaramdam sa akin

na hindi na ako mag-iisa.

Lumaki akong maaring hindi tulad ng iba,

tahimik, mahiyain at nag-iisa.

Batang may sariling mundo

at may malungkot na kwento.

Kaya siguro iba ang aking tuwa

na sa akin ay may pumansin.

Nagpumilit na ako'y mas kilalanin

at pag-ibig ay iparamdam sa akin.

Ikaw ay naging kaibigan ko,

kausap sa lahat ng aking kwento.

Naghatid ng kakaibang tunog sa mga tawa ko

at ningning sa mga mata ko.

Kinulit mo ako sa bawat araw,

hindi natakot sa kung ano ang matatanaw.

Tinulungan kumawala sa mundong
aking matagal ng pinagtaguan.
Ngayon ay may tao ng hahawak sa aking kamay
at hindi ako bibitawan.

Hindi ka tulad ng pinangarap ko,
malayo sa mga napapanuod at nababasa sa libro.
Ngunit hindi ko na un pinansin
ng pakinggan ko ang totoong bulong ng damdamin.

Sa ating halos anim na taong pagsasama,
hindi naman laging masaya.
Andyan ang mga problema
na pilit tayong tinutumba.

Tayo naman'y nasa wastong gulang na,
pero madaming bawal na pumipigil
sa atin maging masaya.
Mga dahilan na araw araw
kong sinusubukang intindihin,
patuloy na kumakapit para sa atin.

Tayong dalawa ay magkaiba,
madami akong hinahanap na hindi ko makita.

Ako'y babae din naman,
naghahanap ng kilig paminsan minsan.
Ito'y mga simpleng bagay lang naman
kung ika'y marunong makiramdam.

Naiisip mo din ba ako?
O akala ko lang ito?

Lagi ako naghahanap ng oras mo.
Tanong ko lagi'y "Pupunta ka ba?"
At ako'y malulungkot nalang bigla,
maghihintay ng susunod na linggong
pwede kang makita.

Madaming beses na tila napapagod na ako
umintindi ng mga dahilan mo.
Ilang beses na din kitang tinutulak papalayo
ngunit nananatili kang andyan at hindi sumusuko.

Mahal kita, at sabi mo, mahal mo din ako.
Ngunit bakit tila di ko maramdaman iyon sayo?
Hindi ko lang ba talaga maramdaman,
o talagang may mali lang?
Hanggang kailangan ako iintindi?
Hanggang kailangan ako mag titiis?

Alam kong hindi ka perpekto,
at ganun din naman ako.
Madaming luha na din ang naiyak
at mga nasabing maaring nakasakit sayo,
ngunit bakit andito pa din tayo?
Pilit na inaayos ang lahat ng ito.

Napaisip ako't napapikit,
kinausap ang Diyos at sakanya ay isinambit...

"Dati ay gusto ko lang siya makilala, ngunit ipinakilala Ninyo ako sakanya. Lahat ng dasal ko'y dininig Ninyo. Hindi agad agad ngunit lahat ay nagkatotoo, sa tamang pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo. Alam po Ninyo kung gaano ko siya kamahal. Alam ko ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman namin ngayon ay may kapalit na saya, sa tamang panahon."

05.01.16
JJLB

Nagsasa Cove, Zambales #BackpackAdventure

Nagsasa Cove, Zambales

I am a late bloomer in a lot of things. Maybe because I thought I was weak. I limit myself to things I am not used to do. But with a little push, I surprisingly saw myself strong enough to face the challenges.

The thought of being away in an island with no signal, no electricity, and no comfortable place to stay in, honestly scares be at first. My thoughts were.. "Safe ba dun?". Nevertheless, I know I needed some far away trip to unwind and think. I was very game of what's in store for me and the rest of us. Hindi naman ako maarte, at sanay naman ako sa hirap, so go lang. Matulog sa tent, magkamay kumain, uminom sa tubig bukal, magluto sa kahoy, lumakad ng mahaba, sumampa at umakyat saan saan.

I just can't get enough of this whole experience and this beautiful place, so I really wanted to write a blog about it. This whole experience is something I really won't forget. I have face a lot of firsts, fears and tests and this is something I am proud I did.

I am not a travel buff, but if I have all the time and money, why not. Its definitely going to be fun! Great view, great food, and great experience. This trip was not really planned. I mean, I was just invited to join to fill in the spot of those who suppose to be in the trip. Good thing, we are really looking for a weekend getaway.

After work that Friday, all our bags are packed and were ready to go. We headed to Jolibee Cubao, as our meeting place. With me were Ate Mar and Ate Lee, may Payroll Ates in the office, and we will be joining by Ate Lee's sisters, Yayen and Au, Ate Lee's best friend Ate Laica and her brother, Anthony. Other group of joiners are also going to be with us. We left at around 12:30 am. We rode in a white van, a total of 13 campers. It only took us 3.5 hours to get to Pundaquit, Zambales. And I was not able to get enough sleep as I was not comfortable with my seat, but still manage anyway. We stop at the market. Ate Mar, Yayen and Nico (part of the joiners) went out to buy food we will be eating for the next days. After that, we headed to the lot were the van will park, and the first thing I saw as I went down the van was the sky full of stars. Just Wow! Never seen like that before. We had a few walks to the shore were our boat is waiting. It was around 4:30 am and it still dark, yet I can see how beautiful this place is. The mountains, the island and the clear sand beach.

Pundaquit, Zambales

at around 4:30 am when we arrived

April 16 - 1st activity - Island Hopping at Camara Island.

It took us a few minutes getting there. Its an island that full of big rock formations. We make use of the time taking pictures ans selfies with the rocks. We also manage to watch the sunrise from our point.

Sunrise View from Camara Island, Zambales

After our Island Hopping, we went back to the boat to finally go to Nagsasa Cove where we will spend the rest of this trip. I checked my phone and immediately post the sunrise photo I was able to took a picture of and this selfie with the rocks. After a while, signal finally went down. As in, nothing, even a single bar. It got me worried for Papa will surely call to check me, and not being able to reach me will worry him so much. Lagot..

It took us an hour and a half to Nagsasa Cove. I never thought that the travel going there would be that far. Most of us are still sleepy, that some of us took the advantage to take a nap in the boat. Good thing that the sea is so calm and the view is just so beautiful. We saw small islands just right there in the middle of the sea. There were brown-green mountains, big rock formations, and a wide, clear blue sea.

Upon our arrival at Nagsasa, the place is just at peace. Excitement already fills me in. There were just a few people when we arrived. We immediately arranged our things and the food we brought from the market. The boys set up the tent, while most of the girls, went to the kitchen area and start preparing for our lunch.

The boys had some struggle making fire out of the woods. So, they did it in charcoal instead. But food would take longer if its just charcoal, so I actually step in to help, very boyish I know. Hahaha. Papa taught me with some of that skills and good thing I was able to use it here in the island.

Me and Ate Mar were the ones who went first to change clothes and swim. It was not too sunny that time, and we both needed some refreshment since we both came from work yesterday. Then, lunch was served and we had a feast! Ihinihaw na bangus and tilapia, adobong baboy with patatas and ensaladang talong with kamatis, sibuyas, mangga ang baggong.

an island we saw whiled in the boat

Welcome to Nagsasa Cove

April 16 - 2nd activity - Trek to the Falls

After lunch, we decided to go to the falls as suggested by our tour attendant. It was not included in our itinerary but since we have a lot of time, we headed to see the falls. Good thing that I have a padlock with me that all our things were put in one tent and have it locked. It was 1:00 pm and the sun is hotter than ever. Most of us are just in shorts and slippers. We just put our caps, sun glasses and cover ourselves with shawl. It was a long walk, or a could say, long trek to the mountains and to the forest. Really.. mountains and forest indeed. It was too hot, we can barely walk in the sand. There were even long sharp grasses. At some point, there were rocks you need to step on just to pass through and even some steep parts of the mountain you need to climb. Though we are all tired walking and the fact that it is very very hot, the beauty of the mountains is just so picture perfect. Some would even stop to take a photo of the view, or a selfie.

After an hour of walking, we finally reached the falls. There were moments that you just want to give up because it was really really hot. I was already catching my breath and I don't have enough water left, but I was so focus to reach the falls, and I surprisingly found myself one of those leading the trek. Good job, self!

So, here is one of my favorite group photo..

The falls...

So, where is the falls? Yes.. this is already the falls. I know, you can't clearly see it in the picture, but this is it. And to be honest, we really got a little disappointed on what we saw. After all the sweat and hardships getting here, the falls we all imagined was not what we saw. This is because when its summer, the flowing water is not that much as what you can see. But nevertheless, we took the opportunity to get into the water and refresh ourselves. Actually, not everyone got in to swim, as they were  still really disappointed. But the water is cold and refreshing, there were even small fishes. I just stayed in one of the rocks and refreshed my so tired, sweaty and hot feeling. After almost an hour of refreshing and resting, we went back and pass through the forest trek again. It was easier this time, as we are already familiar with the trail. We stop at a point to drink water from the bukal. Very refreshing! The weather was just extremely hot that day.

Few meters from the beach, we got lost and can't saw those who are leading the trek back, and there were about 8 of us. Good thing, we can already see the cottages and we just look where to get out. We pass by a "i don't know what you call it", it was like a stagnant water almost on knee length and when we step into it, it was so hot and it itched our skin afterwards. But that lead us finding a store selling halo-halo. Wow! Just what we needed that moment. One of the best halo halo we appreciated, really. After eating halo halo, most were back in the sea and some took a rest.

At around 5pm, I went back to prepare dinner. I supposed to cook tinola, but because we don't have any casserole to use that time, we thought of just eating the food we got from lunch and just cook inihaw. Ate Mar and I went to bathroom to clean ourselves. It was already getting dark and the line at the bathrooms are getting longer. Supply of water is even getting slow. But we were able to manage, just to clean up. When we get back, they were already cooking the tinola. Thanks guys.. They rented a casserole at the nearby store so they can cook the chicken. And food was served. We headed for dinner while some are still cleaning up, In fairness, I ate a lot. I mean, I enjoy eating, and sharing the plate with Ate Mar, that's why I think I was able to eat a lot. After eating, the boys except for Anthony went to set their bonfire and drinks. The group consist of the Joiners - Nico, Christian, Mariecris, Toni, Bryan  and his girlfriend. There were nice actually, they were even inviting us to join, but as you know, I don't drink and I don't ever plan to. So, we just stayed in the dining table and enjoy good stories.

In the table was me, Ate Mar, Yayen, Au and Athony, with Nico joining us before heading to the bonfire. I think, Ate Laica and Ate Lee are stiill in their tents and they are not yet done cleaning up. The sharing was a bit short actually. I think most of us are really tired that we just wanted to sleep that time. Sayang.. that was supposed to be one of the highlights of the trip - getting to know new friends. I only got to share things with Ate Mar in a more serious level, and thank you Ate  for listening.

I went in first to our tent to sleep and never really thought that it will be that hot. But because I was just so tired, after a while I was already sleeping.

April 17 - Day 2

We supposed to go trekking in the nearby mountain to view the sunrise, but most of us enjoyed sleeping and went up at around 7am. There was this loud music in our ears. Someone is snoring very loud at the nearby tent and it was funny. I mean, it sounds funny. His friends were even apologizing to us for their friend. Anyway.. that was an ice breaker.

We just ate our own breakfast since it is already late to cook. Some bread, noodles and chips we had for baon. The joiners still went through the trek even the sun is a little hot already. After a while, Yayen, Au and Anthony also went in. The rest of us are left to prepare lunch. As much as I want to go trekking, who would help Ate Mar cook? So, I stayed. We also want to swim for the last time but thinking the hassle cleaning up in the bathroom and the long lines, we just decided to take a shower before going back to Manila.

So, here's our last group photo during lunch..

After lunch, we prepared our things and took the last opportunity to take pictures and buy some souvenirs. It took us almost an hour waiting for our boat  and at around 2pm, its already time to say goodbye to Nagsasa.

So, here are more of our pictures..

The boat ride took us about an hour and a half, then we proceed to our van. Signal is up, and so I immediately text Mama and Papa who are for sure is worrying. Some already did their uploading and some are already checking on their social media accounts. This time, I seat next to Anthony and Ate Laica so I can comfortably set myself for a nap. Thank you very much. :)

Until now, I'm still looking back with all the experience I had, and how I manage to face everything effortlessly. This is priceless. Everything we had may be tiring but very worth trying. I was able to think a lot. Reflect. I was at peace. I have face a lot of firsts, fears and tests. And I really look forward for more trips like this.

Thank you to the Lastimoza sisters (Ate Lee, Yayen and Au), Ate Mar, Ate Laica and Anthony, and the rest of the guys who are with us, you were amazing!

Credit to the rightful owners of the photos used in this blog. (Anthony, Ate Lee, Ate Mar, Yayen & Mariecris)

TRUE

But how will you measure love? On the number of things he bought for you? For the things he gave you? The times he paid for the dates you had? For the movies you watched? The money he spent just to fetch you?

LOVE is never measured in material things nor any means. 

But why is there such thing as "One is being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough?"

Simple.. you have taken for granted the love being given to you. You care less, you don't give enough attention, time and effort the way he/she does to you. And there you will find the difference between the love received from the love given. You look for what is missing.

LOVE should never be compared, but you should know how to recognize it, be thankful for it and value it.

<3 jazel

LOVE is not easy, but its worth it

** NO ONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY, BUT ITS WORTH THE TRY **