Sa Tamang Panahon

Damdamin hindi maintindihan

sa lapis at papel nalang muling idadaan

totoong isinasambit

nitong magulong isipan.

Madaming nakakapansin

nitong aking mga pasaring

na ako'y tila may problema

na kinikimkim mag-isa.

Bumalik ako sa nakaraan

kung paano kita nakilala.

Pilit inalala,

bakit ba minahal kita.

Dumating ka sa buhay ko

noong panahong handa na ako.

Bawat araw ko'y pinasaya

at pinaramdam sa akin

na hindi na ako mag-iisa.

Lumaki akong maaring hindi tulad ng iba,

tahimik, mahiyain at nag-iisa.

Batang may sariling mundo

at may malungkot na kwento.

Kaya siguro iba ang aking tuwa

na sa akin ay may pumansin.

Nagpumilit na ako'y mas kilalanin

at pag-ibig ay iparamdam sa akin.

Ikaw ay naging kaibigan ko,

kausap sa lahat ng aking kwento.

Naghatid ng kakaibang tunog sa mga tawa ko

at ningning sa mga mata ko.

Kinulit mo ako sa bawat araw,

hindi natakot sa kung ano ang matatanaw.

Tinulungan kumawala sa mundong
aking matagal ng pinagtaguan.
Ngayon ay may tao ng hahawak sa aking kamay
at hindi ako bibitawan.

Hindi ka tulad ng pinangarap ko,
malayo sa mga napapanuod at nababasa sa libro.
Ngunit hindi ko na un pinansin
ng pakinggan ko ang totoong bulong ng damdamin.

Sa ating halos anim na taong pagsasama,
hindi naman laging masaya.
Andyan ang mga problema
na pilit tayong tinutumba.

Tayo naman'y nasa wastong gulang na,
pero madaming bawal na pumipigil
sa atin maging masaya.
Mga dahilan na araw araw
kong sinusubukang intindihin,
patuloy na kumakapit para sa atin.

Tayong dalawa ay magkaiba,
madami akong hinahanap na hindi ko makita.

Ako'y babae din naman,
naghahanap ng kilig paminsan minsan.
Ito'y mga simpleng bagay lang naman
kung ika'y marunong makiramdam.

Naiisip mo din ba ako?
O akala ko lang ito?

Lagi ako naghahanap ng oras mo.
Tanong ko lagi'y "Pupunta ka ba?"
At ako'y malulungkot nalang bigla,
maghihintay ng susunod na linggong
pwede kang makita.

Madaming beses na tila napapagod na ako
umintindi ng mga dahilan mo.
Ilang beses na din kitang tinutulak papalayo
ngunit nananatili kang andyan at hindi sumusuko.

Mahal kita, at sabi mo, mahal mo din ako.
Ngunit bakit tila di ko maramdaman iyon sayo?
Hindi ko lang ba talaga maramdaman,
o talagang may mali lang?
Hanggang kailangan ako iintindi?
Hanggang kailangan ako mag titiis?

Alam kong hindi ka perpekto,
at ganun din naman ako.
Madaming luha na din ang naiyak
at mga nasabing maaring nakasakit sayo,
ngunit bakit andito pa din tayo?
Pilit na inaayos ang lahat ng ito.

Napaisip ako't napapikit,
kinausap ang Diyos at sakanya ay isinambit...

"Dati ay gusto ko lang siya makilala, ngunit ipinakilala Ninyo ako sakanya. Lahat ng dasal ko'y dininig Ninyo. Hindi agad agad ngunit lahat ay nagkatotoo, sa tamang pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo. Alam po Ninyo kung gaano ko siya kamahal. Alam ko ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman namin ngayon ay may kapalit na saya, sa tamang panahon."

05.01.16
JJLB

Nagsasa Cove, Zambales #BackpackAdventure

Nagsasa Cove, Zambales

I am a late bloomer in a lot of things. Maybe because I thought I was weak. I limit myself to things I am not used to do. But with a little push, I surprisingly saw myself strong enough to face the challenges.

The thought of being away in an island with no signal, no electricity, and no comfortable place to stay in, honestly scares be at first. My thoughts were.. "Safe ba dun?". Nevertheless, I know I needed some far away trip to unwind and think. I was very game of what's in store for me and the rest of us. Hindi naman ako maarte, at sanay naman ako sa hirap, so go lang. Matulog sa tent, magkamay kumain, uminom sa tubig bukal, magluto sa kahoy, lumakad ng mahaba, sumampa at umakyat saan saan.

I just can't get enough of this whole experience and this beautiful place, so I really wanted to write a blog about it. This whole experience is something I really won't forget. I have face a lot of firsts, fears and tests and this is something I am proud I did.

I am not a travel buff, but if I have all the time and money, why not. Its definitely going to be fun! Great view, great food, and great experience. This trip was not really planned. I mean, I was just invited to join to fill in the spot of those who suppose to be in the trip. Good thing, we are really looking for a weekend getaway.

After work that Friday, all our bags are packed and were ready to go. We headed to Jolibee Cubao, as our meeting place. With me were Ate Mar and Ate Lee, may Payroll Ates in the office, and we will be joining by Ate Lee's sisters, Yayen and Au, Ate Lee's best friend Ate Laica and her brother, Anthony. Other group of joiners are also going to be with us. We left at around 12:30 am. We rode in a white van, a total of 13 campers. It only took us 3.5 hours to get to Pundaquit, Zambales. And I was not able to get enough sleep as I was not comfortable with my seat, but still manage anyway. We stop at the market. Ate Mar, Yayen and Nico (part of the joiners) went out to buy food we will be eating for the next days. After that, we headed to the lot were the van will park, and the first thing I saw as I went down the van was the sky full of stars. Just Wow! Never seen like that before. We had a few walks to the shore were our boat is waiting. It was around 4:30 am and it still dark, yet I can see how beautiful this place is. The mountains, the island and the clear sand beach.

Pundaquit, Zambales

at around 4:30 am when we arrived

April 16 - 1st activity - Island Hopping at Camara Island.

It took us a few minutes getting there. Its an island that full of big rock formations. We make use of the time taking pictures ans selfies with the rocks. We also manage to watch the sunrise from our point.

Sunrise View from Camara Island, Zambales

After our Island Hopping, we went back to the boat to finally go to Nagsasa Cove where we will spend the rest of this trip. I checked my phone and immediately post the sunrise photo I was able to took a picture of and this selfie with the rocks. After a while, signal finally went down. As in, nothing, even a single bar. It got me worried for Papa will surely call to check me, and not being able to reach me will worry him so much. Lagot..

It took us an hour and a half to Nagsasa Cove. I never thought that the travel going there would be that far. Most of us are still sleepy, that some of us took the advantage to take a nap in the boat. Good thing that the sea is so calm and the view is just so beautiful. We saw small islands just right there in the middle of the sea. There were brown-green mountains, big rock formations, and a wide, clear blue sea.

Upon our arrival at Nagsasa, the place is just at peace. Excitement already fills me in. There were just a few people when we arrived. We immediately arranged our things and the food we brought from the market. The boys set up the tent, while most of the girls, went to the kitchen area and start preparing for our lunch.

The boys had some struggle making fire out of the woods. So, they did it in charcoal instead. But food would take longer if its just charcoal, so I actually step in to help, very boyish I know. Hahaha. Papa taught me with some of that skills and good thing I was able to use it here in the island.

Me and Ate Mar were the ones who went first to change clothes and swim. It was not too sunny that time, and we both needed some refreshment since we both came from work yesterday. Then, lunch was served and we had a feast! Ihinihaw na bangus and tilapia, adobong baboy with patatas and ensaladang talong with kamatis, sibuyas, mangga ang baggong.

an island we saw whiled in the boat

Welcome to Nagsasa Cove

April 16 - 2nd activity - Trek to the Falls

After lunch, we decided to go to the falls as suggested by our tour attendant. It was not included in our itinerary but since we have a lot of time, we headed to see the falls. Good thing that I have a padlock with me that all our things were put in one tent and have it locked. It was 1:00 pm and the sun is hotter than ever. Most of us are just in shorts and slippers. We just put our caps, sun glasses and cover ourselves with shawl. It was a long walk, or a could say, long trek to the mountains and to the forest. Really.. mountains and forest indeed. It was too hot, we can barely walk in the sand. There were even long sharp grasses. At some point, there were rocks you need to step on just to pass through and even some steep parts of the mountain you need to climb. Though we are all tired walking and the fact that it is very very hot, the beauty of the mountains is just so picture perfect. Some would even stop to take a photo of the view, or a selfie.

After an hour of walking, we finally reached the falls. There were moments that you just want to give up because it was really really hot. I was already catching my breath and I don't have enough water left, but I was so focus to reach the falls, and I surprisingly found myself one of those leading the trek. Good job, self!

So, here is one of my favorite group photo..

The falls...

So, where is the falls? Yes.. this is already the falls. I know, you can't clearly see it in the picture, but this is it. And to be honest, we really got a little disappointed on what we saw. After all the sweat and hardships getting here, the falls we all imagined was not what we saw. This is because when its summer, the flowing water is not that much as what you can see. But nevertheless, we took the opportunity to get into the water and refresh ourselves. Actually, not everyone got in to swim, as they were  still really disappointed. But the water is cold and refreshing, there were even small fishes. I just stayed in one of the rocks and refreshed my so tired, sweaty and hot feeling. After almost an hour of refreshing and resting, we went back and pass through the forest trek again. It was easier this time, as we are already familiar with the trail. We stop at a point to drink water from the bukal. Very refreshing! The weather was just extremely hot that day.

Few meters from the beach, we got lost and can't saw those who are leading the trek back, and there were about 8 of us. Good thing, we can already see the cottages and we just look where to get out. We pass by a "i don't know what you call it", it was like a stagnant water almost on knee length and when we step into it, it was so hot and it itched our skin afterwards. But that lead us finding a store selling halo-halo. Wow! Just what we needed that moment. One of the best halo halo we appreciated, really. After eating halo halo, most were back in the sea and some took a rest.

At around 5pm, I went back to prepare dinner. I supposed to cook tinola, but because we don't have any casserole to use that time, we thought of just eating the food we got from lunch and just cook inihaw. Ate Mar and I went to bathroom to clean ourselves. It was already getting dark and the line at the bathrooms are getting longer. Supply of water is even getting slow. But we were able to manage, just to clean up. When we get back, they were already cooking the tinola. Thanks guys.. They rented a casserole at the nearby store so they can cook the chicken. And food was served. We headed for dinner while some are still cleaning up, In fairness, I ate a lot. I mean, I enjoy eating, and sharing the plate with Ate Mar, that's why I think I was able to eat a lot. After eating, the boys except for Anthony went to set their bonfire and drinks. The group consist of the Joiners - Nico, Christian, Mariecris, Toni, Bryan  and his girlfriend. There were nice actually, they were even inviting us to join, but as you know, I don't drink and I don't ever plan to. So, we just stayed in the dining table and enjoy good stories.

In the table was me, Ate Mar, Yayen, Au and Athony, with Nico joining us before heading to the bonfire. I think, Ate Laica and Ate Lee are stiill in their tents and they are not yet done cleaning up. The sharing was a bit short actually. I think most of us are really tired that we just wanted to sleep that time. Sayang.. that was supposed to be one of the highlights of the trip - getting to know new friends. I only got to share things with Ate Mar in a more serious level, and thank you Ate  for listening.

I went in first to our tent to sleep and never really thought that it will be that hot. But because I was just so tired, after a while I was already sleeping.

April 17 - Day 2

We supposed to go trekking in the nearby mountain to view the sunrise, but most of us enjoyed sleeping and went up at around 7am. There was this loud music in our ears. Someone is snoring very loud at the nearby tent and it was funny. I mean, it sounds funny. His friends were even apologizing to us for their friend. Anyway.. that was an ice breaker.

We just ate our own breakfast since it is already late to cook. Some bread, noodles and chips we had for baon. The joiners still went through the trek even the sun is a little hot already. After a while, Yayen, Au and Anthony also went in. The rest of us are left to prepare lunch. As much as I want to go trekking, who would help Ate Mar cook? So, I stayed. We also want to swim for the last time but thinking the hassle cleaning up in the bathroom and the long lines, we just decided to take a shower before going back to Manila.

So, here's our last group photo during lunch..

After lunch, we prepared our things and took the last opportunity to take pictures and buy some souvenirs. It took us almost an hour waiting for our boat  and at around 2pm, its already time to say goodbye to Nagsasa.

So, here are more of our pictures..

The boat ride took us about an hour and a half, then we proceed to our van. Signal is up, and so I immediately text Mama and Papa who are for sure is worrying. Some already did their uploading and some are already checking on their social media accounts. This time, I seat next to Anthony and Ate Laica so I can comfortably set myself for a nap. Thank you very much. :)

Until now, I'm still looking back with all the experience I had, and how I manage to face everything effortlessly. This is priceless. Everything we had may be tiring but very worth trying. I was able to think a lot. Reflect. I was at peace. I have face a lot of firsts, fears and tests. And I really look forward for more trips like this.

Thank you to the Lastimoza sisters (Ate Lee, Yayen and Au), Ate Mar, Ate Laica and Anthony, and the rest of the guys who are with us, you were amazing!

Credit to the rightful owners of the photos used in this blog. (Anthony, Ate Lee, Ate Mar, Yayen & Mariecris)

TRUE

But how will you measure love? On the number of things he bought for you? For the things he gave you? The times he paid for the dates you had? For the movies you watched? The money he spent just to fetch you?

LOVE is never measured in material things nor any means. 

But why is there such thing as "One is being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough?"

Simple.. you have taken for granted the love being given to you. You care less, you don't give enough attention, time and effort the way he/she does to you. And there you will find the difference between the love received from the love given. You look for what is missing.

LOVE should never be compared, but you should know how to recognize it, be thankful for it and value it.

<3 jazel

LOVE is not easy, but its worth it

** NO ONE SAID IT WILL BE EASY, BUT ITS WORTH THE TRY **

Cry Baby

I just felt writing my thoughts at this very moment. I actually wanted to share this in my fb account, but I guess this is way too personal, I better share it here in my blog.

I am not good in expressing myself in front of people. I was so shy and it feels awkward at times. I really can't be that person who can be vocal with her real feelings. So, I usually wrote it down through letters and short notes.

Earlier today, I had my moment with Wapo. We are actually watching tv with my parents who were seated in front of us. I've been thinking a lot lately, and there were things I wanted to tell him, but I don't know how to start. So, I started to wrote it down in a piece of paper. I was already teary eyed but I'm not letting myself to cry. I handed it over to him, not meeting his eyes. I was still looking down. Then after a while, he reached for me, and gave me a hug. Then, for some "I don't know reason", that hug just hit my heart and I started to cry in his embrace. It was so painful that I wanted to cry it aloud, but thinking that my parents were there, I tug myself in his arms and hug him back tight. He started telling me, whispering, "Ano bang nangyayari sayo, bakit ka umiiyak? Gusto ka nila. Ako ung ayaw nila para sayo." He was comforting me. I was trying to cover his mouth with my hand that I don't want him to further say anything that my parents might hear. Also, I don't want to hear those excuses again, because no matter what he says, nothing has changed, it still hurts the same.

I really don't know what came up in my mind that this happen. I was keeping (AGAIN) these thoughts in my head for quite a while. For the past days, I was even pushing myself away. 

"Sabihin mo, hindi ka na pupunta sa amin, hihiwalayan mo na ako, para payagan ka lang sumama."

This has been one of the many things we are going through for the past years. I really can't talk about it that much, but maybe you already have an idea of what is it about.

I was just tuck in Wapo's arms until I'm done crying, then, I started to laugh. I left his shirt so wet not just in tears but also with snot. Hahahaha!! Sorry..

That actually how we end our dramas together. By such silly things to laugh with.

PS: I just love those kinds of hugs!!! >>> ^.^ <<<

Vday Treat - Painful Fantasy

Since, in few days time it will be Valentines Day, let me share to you one of my favorite poems as to date. I wrote this about 9 years ago, a little old right? But I always felt that this is one of the best I wrote. A lot may relate on it, as once in our lives, we love and get hurt. We all hope to be loved and be loved back in return. But sometimes, love don't see us the way we see them. A love we thought was real but after sometime, we will just realize that everything was just a painful fantasy.

Painful Fantasy

Things happen, we don't know why,
we search for answers but its no where to find
I was looking for you, but you seem not to be there
I was waiting for you, but it seems you wouldn't care.

How many times do I need to shout, for you to know I need you?
How many times do I need to pretend I'm okay, even if I don't?
How much tears do I need to cry to lessen the pain?
and how long will I wait, for us to start it all over again?

What will you do if I say goodbye?
Would you just close your ears not asking why?
What will you do if I cry in front of you?
Would you disregard me and just left me to the blue?
Will you run after me and ask if I could stay?
Or just walk away without bothering anyway?

When will you open your eyes, for you to see me?
When will you open your ears, for you to hear me?
You have ignored everything I do,
and raised me with questions too.
Now, I better end up believing in this painful fantasy,
that you are the prince, and I'm the princess of this story.

10.10.07
*jjlb

The One That Got Away

TOTGA (The One That Got Away)

A lot may be familiar with this phrase or tag line. This got me thinking when I heard it from the movie, "Ex with Benefits" of Derek Ramsay and Colleen Garcia last 2015. Though, I think this has been a very popular topic among friends, office mates and colleagues.

So.. who is the one that got away?

For me, it is that person who was once in your life when everything was perfect, everything is great and ideal, but the timing was just wrong. For reasons, things will not go the way you want it to be. And that person just got to be away..

According to http://www.urbandictionary.com

The One That Got Away
1. The mate from a past relationship or friendship who, in the present reality, seems the ideal match, if it weren't for some force beyond your control, fate or otherwise, keeping you apart.

2. In virtually any context, someone you meet and share a significant encounter with who holds qualities akin to "the one" but for circumstance sake you are separated from; always after the fact.

3. The person dated casually, but never seriously, who could have been more.

4. In Bro Parlance: The one girl who a guy liked but with whom he never quite connected or "scored".

5. More broadly, any love regret More apt: A One That Got Away.

Years passed, we got matured and a lot of things have changed. Then one day, for some "you don't know reasons", you'll wonder about the one that got away.

"What if he is here today?"

"What if we were together now?"

"What if things got okay?"
and that is probably the biggest "WHAT IF?" of your life - the one that got away.

So.. who is my Mr. TOTGA??

I met my "The One That Got Away" when I was in my senior year in high school, I was just 16. 

I met him 10 years ago in a text clan. I never expect myself to get into things like that, but then it just happen. I don't know him personally but he is one of those I really got close to. He is one person I enjoyed talking to. He knows how to listen and give his good point of view on things. His words are direct, meaningful and true. He is sweet and knows how to treat every girl right, with the right words to say and the gestures to show. He was the ideal guy. Well mannered, with good family values, God-fearing and the perfect gentleman. 

We have been regular text mates-phone pals for a year or two. We have been really good friends, and I couldn't deny that I was already falling for him that time. Who wouldn't anyway? But how will you love someone who you just met through text? Or someone you haven't personally met? I am let with the question, is this really love that I'm feeling?

I never had a boyfriend that time, and he knows that falling in love was not in my vocabulary, especially to someone who I just met through text. So, we remain very good friends, really close friends. Just friends. He never knew what I felt for him, and I am not sure if he have feelings for me too, but he was one of the sweetest, caring and thoughtful person I knew.

But even as friends, there was no perfect relationship. I actually forgot what happened wrong. I know there were a few misunderstandings but we were able to fix things up. There was no major fight or misunderstanding but things didn't get back the way they used to be. Plus that fact that both of us got busy in school and in our personal lives. No more texts or calls, or even messages in facebook. I just woke up one day that the "closeness" we have was already gone. But what we had is something special I really want to keep. That in every occasion - his birthday, Christmas and New Year, I would greet him. He or he may not reply, and its okay. I just want him to feel remembered by greeting him on those special events. So, that goes until today.

Last year (2015), I got a very thankful message from him when I greet him on his birthday. I was too happy, I even wrote it down in my journal. His message was really heartfelt and I can't help myself being so grateful that he did appreciate my efforts with our friendship after all these years. Christmas came, I got to message him and he replied. I tried to start a conversation by asking how he was but he might be busy that I got no reply. New Year came, and he was the first one to greet me. I was really surprised and touched of his message of appreciation to our friendship. 

About a month ago (January 2016), he posted something on facebook, which he rarely does and I just can't help but to comment on it. I congratulate him for his new endeavor as a pilot. Yes, he is a pilot. He went in an Aviation school. After college, he worked as an instructor and now, he will be leading to his dream path to finally go to places and fly. I am really happy for him. It was late in the evening, around 12am when I got the notification that he liked my comment. I immediately send him my personal message of congratulations, and wow.. he replied. To be honest, I was feeling excited. This might be a start of our catching up. And yes, we did. :D

He asked me if he can call, and I said yes. But there was a problem with his signal, so.. I'm the one who called. You just don't know how nervous I was. My hands are getting cold and I am already shivering. I was so tense! After how many years, I would hear his voice and I would talk to him again. The feeling is really weird. Hahaha. But I was totally happy. He sounded different, a much matured man I must say. But he was still the same friend who was very concerned. He felt I was going into something that he throw lot of questions to me and what I've been through. He who would listen attentively and give his personal views. That fact that he was there to listen to me is a big thing for me. He is one person you would love talking to. There were some dead air at first as I don't know what to say, but after a while, we were back on tract. I missed this guy who has been my favorite listener and adviser.

We reminisce the old times, and he came up with the very awkward question.. "naging tayo ba?". I got really shocked when I heard his question and I don't know what to say, I paused for a while and carry a loud laugh, "Hindi. Hahaha.." Then, he said, "Hindi naging tayo? Pero bakit ung closeness natin dati grabe at sa lahat ikaw ung naalala ko, tapos hindi naging tayo?" Yes. there was never really an "us", but I think we acted as if we were (then). So maybe thats why, ours was special. We have built a wonderful friendship and wonderful memories.

That was an amazing night, we really got some good catching up. We went back in those old days, and find ourselves laughing on them. Like that moment I sang for him, and he sang for me. That moment when we first met (and that he don't remember it but its a good thing he didn't). :) I shared to him that I wrote a story inspired by meeting him. That as of writing is still open ended. It has been 10 years when I met him, and 8 years since I started writing the story and I just don't know how to end it until now. He requested for a copy of it even if it was not yet finished, and I promise to send him a copy. We had a long talk, and I remember ending it at around 3am. Thank you. Just when I needed someone to talk to, he was there.

The next day, I send him the story I wrote. Just screenshots from the pages of the notebook where it was written (21 pages). Hopefully, I can post it here in my blog too when I'm done writing it. After sending the story, I read it again and I felt awkward. Did I really send it to him? Waaah.. though it was partly imagination, part of it was real. And to my surprise, the last part of the story also speaks about the one who got away - him on her, and her on him (gets?). Then, I got a reply from him later that day.

"Hey I just finished reading everything. I had mixed emotions. Hehe. I felt flattered and somehow guilty. But overall I really enjoyed and appreciate it. I'm really grateful to have you. You have always been there and kept our friendship alive. You're that one special person I can always count on. And I hope that nothing will change. Thanks for being my epleyn, epleyn. :) "

I am vey happy he likes my story and as always, I am touched with the good words he says. From that last message, there was no messages from him again. I felt shy to take the first move to say "Hi". He might be busy in his new work, or his girlfriend might be bothered if I text or call him, and so.. I am waiting for him if ever he reply again.

Now, I am writing this blog about the one who got away. Yes, he was the one that got away. Before, I came on thinking why we didn't got into that deeper kind of relationship. That how I wish I was brave enough to risk what I feel. Everything seems to be perfect and I just woke up one day that I lost what we have. Though we are on speaking terms now, I miss everything we used to have. The way he treats me and the happiness I felt for the simple things he does for me. I really have a lot of "what if's" until now.

But we are both in a happy place in our lives now. We are both in a long term relationship with our respective partners. But one thing is for sure, I will treasure everything we have, especially our friendship. Though we rarely talk to each other, and I don't know him much personally, I am still looking forward to know him more and that I will always be here, to be his friend until the end of time. We may not know God's plan why we met on the first place, but lets stick to His words that every people we meet in life has a purpose and has a special part in our journey. I just know, I was destined to know you, and keep you.

All the best Paylot! I will always be here.

Much love, <3 Epleyn.