Sa Tamang Panahon

Damdamin hindi maintindihan

sa lapis at papel nalang muling idadaan

totoong isinasambit

nitong magulong isipan.

Madaming nakakapansin

nitong aking mga pasaring

na ako'y tila may problema

na kinikimkim mag-isa.

Bumalik ako sa nakaraan

kung paano kita nakilala.

Pilit inalala,

bakit ba minahal kita.

Dumating ka sa buhay ko

noong panahong handa na ako.

Bawat araw ko'y pinasaya

at pinaramdam sa akin

na hindi na ako mag-iisa.

Lumaki akong maaring hindi tulad ng iba,

tahimik, mahiyain at nag-iisa.

Batang may sariling mundo

at may malungkot na kwento.

Kaya siguro iba ang aking tuwa

na sa akin ay may pumansin.

Nagpumilit na ako'y mas kilalanin

at pag-ibig ay iparamdam sa akin.

Ikaw ay naging kaibigan ko,

kausap sa lahat ng aking kwento.

Naghatid ng kakaibang tunog sa mga tawa ko

at ningning sa mga mata ko.

Kinulit mo ako sa bawat araw,

hindi natakot sa kung ano ang matatanaw.

Tinulungan kumawala sa mundong
aking matagal ng pinagtaguan.
Ngayon ay may tao ng hahawak sa aking kamay
at hindi ako bibitawan.

Hindi ka tulad ng pinangarap ko,
malayo sa mga napapanuod at nababasa sa libro.
Ngunit hindi ko na un pinansin
ng pakinggan ko ang totoong bulong ng damdamin.

Sa ating halos anim na taong pagsasama,
hindi naman laging masaya.
Andyan ang mga problema
na pilit tayong tinutumba.

Tayo naman'y nasa wastong gulang na,
pero madaming bawal na pumipigil
sa atin maging masaya.
Mga dahilan na araw araw
kong sinusubukang intindihin,
patuloy na kumakapit para sa atin.

Tayong dalawa ay magkaiba,
madami akong hinahanap na hindi ko makita.

Ako'y babae din naman,
naghahanap ng kilig paminsan minsan.
Ito'y mga simpleng bagay lang naman
kung ika'y marunong makiramdam.

Naiisip mo din ba ako?
O akala ko lang ito?

Lagi ako naghahanap ng oras mo.
Tanong ko lagi'y "Pupunta ka ba?"
At ako'y malulungkot nalang bigla,
maghihintay ng susunod na linggong
pwede kang makita.

Madaming beses na tila napapagod na ako
umintindi ng mga dahilan mo.
Ilang beses na din kitang tinutulak papalayo
ngunit nananatili kang andyan at hindi sumusuko.

Mahal kita, at sabi mo, mahal mo din ako.
Ngunit bakit tila di ko maramdaman iyon sayo?
Hindi ko lang ba talaga maramdaman,
o talagang may mali lang?
Hanggang kailangan ako iintindi?
Hanggang kailangan ako mag titiis?

Alam kong hindi ka perpekto,
at ganun din naman ako.
Madaming luha na din ang naiyak
at mga nasabing maaring nakasakit sayo,
ngunit bakit andito pa din tayo?
Pilit na inaayos ang lahat ng ito.

Napaisip ako't napapikit,
kinausap ang Diyos at sakanya ay isinambit...

"Dati ay gusto ko lang siya makilala, ngunit ipinakilala Ninyo ako sakanya. Lahat ng dasal ko'y dininig Ninyo. Hindi agad agad ngunit lahat ay nagkatotoo, sa tamang pagkakataong ibinigay ninyo. Alam po Ninyo kung gaano ko siya kamahal. Alam ko ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman namin ngayon ay may kapalit na saya, sa tamang panahon."

05.01.16
JJLB

Cry Baby

I just felt writing my thoughts at this very moment. I actually wanted to share this in my fb account, but I guess this is way too personal, I better share it here in my blog.

I am not good in expressing myself in front of people. I was so shy and it feels awkward at times. I really can't be that person who can be vocal with her real feelings. So, I usually wrote it down through letters and short notes.

Earlier today, I had my moment with Wapo. We are actually watching tv with my parents who were seated in front of us. I've been thinking a lot lately, and there were things I wanted to tell him, but I don't know how to start. So, I started to wrote it down in a piece of paper. I was already teary eyed but I'm not letting myself to cry. I handed it over to him, not meeting his eyes. I was still looking down. Then after a while, he reached for me, and gave me a hug. Then, for some "I don't know reason", that hug just hit my heart and I started to cry in his embrace. It was so painful that I wanted to cry it aloud, but thinking that my parents were there, I tug myself in his arms and hug him back tight. He started telling me, whispering, "Ano bang nangyayari sayo, bakit ka umiiyak? Gusto ka nila. Ako ung ayaw nila para sayo." He was comforting me. I was trying to cover his mouth with my hand that I don't want him to further say anything that my parents might hear. Also, I don't want to hear those excuses again, because no matter what he says, nothing has changed, it still hurts the same.

I really don't know what came up in my mind that this happen. I was keeping (AGAIN) these thoughts in my head for quite a while. For the past days, I was even pushing myself away. 

"Sabihin mo, hindi ka na pupunta sa amin, hihiwalayan mo na ako, para payagan ka lang sumama."

This has been one of the many things we are going through for the past years. I really can't talk about it that much, but maybe you already have an idea of what is it about.

I was just tuck in Wapo's arms until I'm done crying, then, I started to laugh. I left his shirt so wet not just in tears but also with snot. Hahahaha!! Sorry..

That actually how we end our dramas together. By such silly things to laugh with.

PS: I just love those kinds of hugs!!! >>> ^.^ <<<

Happy 5 Years!! :)

Before, 5 years is already a big number for me. I can't believe that I will be writing about it now. Though I've been posting pictures of us as a couple, and I've been very expressive on my messages and greetings to him in social media, I rarely talk about "US". Of what have 5 years has done to both us.

To be honest, it feels not like 5 years, maybe just a year or 2. Maybe because, there are still a lot of things we need to wait, to finally set our minds where we are going to.

We had gone through a lot this year. Really, a roller coaster road of emotions. Through all the laughs and cries, bad and good times. It came to a point where in I just want to give up understanding. I felt so tired to take in everything and see myself miserable and unhappy. It is not that he is hurting me, its actually the "situation". Though he don't mean to do it, nor don't mean it to happen, it just hurts the same. (Maybe in time, I'll be able to talk about it in details, soon.)

Also, he is not the typical romantic and expressive boyfriend, and I knew that since the first day. He is not the type of guy who would text you how have you been or the like. He has his ways of showing his affections in a different way. Really mysterious until now I must say.

Moving forward on our 5th year, we had spent it on the simplest way I see it. We haven't actually talk about it, nor plan anything on how we will spend the day, because I have work, and he has a game. We just had our breakfast in the very famous fastfood and ate tapsilog. It was quick but I guess, I was already okay with that. Good thing, we rarely spend breakfast together and spend mornings together (only during the Misa de Gallo). There, I gave him this simple card I made the night before. Something funny was inside. I made an origami of a "kissing lips" where "mwuah mwuah tsup tsup" is labeled around. I want him to laugh by the time he will open it, then as always a heartfelt letter at the back of it.

And ohh.. I had a pimple that day. Hahaha!! :D

After eating he headed me to the bus stop and he kiss goodbye. When I was already in the MRT, I saw a message from him saying..

"Happy Anniversary Chubs. I love you".

and with the simple text, it still blew me away. Yes. actually, he rarely does that and receiving that from him, must really something.

We both go with our day, and it was pretty fine. They won in their basketball game. A lucky day for him I guess. I was hoping if we can still have dinner but I have things to finished at work and its a little late when I got home. But he still went to our house to get the lansones package I have from him that was from our province. It was a little late but we had few talks outside our house of how our day had been and that's it -- very simple, yet I can say that I am happy. Its really not on material things anymore, as long as your contented, it will makes you happy.

5 years is a big achievement, and having spent it on my first boyfriend is an added thing. I am not pressured or anything. A lot were asking "Kelan kayo magpapakasal?" I would always say, "Matagal pa." I even don't look on the future family yet. I haven't felt it now (forever). There are still a lot of things I need to fulfill and accomplish for my family. I will just be praying that God will guide us through our journey together, wherever it will leads us. Hopefully, all my waiting will be worth it. In God's perfect time.


** Jah & Pong 11.24.10