How have you been?

Few people really knew what happened. I am lucky enough that they do not ask much. It was something I really don't know how to share. It wasn't a very painful break up, but it will not be easy. It will not be over overnight. I feel numb. I wasn't crying as much as I should, but I know I wasn't okay. There will be those nights, that all the pain I had kept will just fall in my eyes. I tried to distract myself from thinking of him, or what happened.

I am still on the process of accepting that things didn't go on our way. I try to change the things I used to do and make myself extra busy. Sometimes, I just want to be crazy and be mad at the world, but I know that I will be okay.. I will soon be okay.

I  should value myself more and wait for the one who I truly deserve. 

Someone who will make me truly happy..

Who will give me time..

Who will value me..

Who will respect me..

Who will take care of me..

Who will make me laugh..

Who will love talking & listening to me..

Who will never get tried of handling me..

and someone who will fall in love with me over and over again and won't let me go..

#MovingOn

It's Over!

"Let him go, baby girl. Let him go and move the hell on. You need to make space in your heart for someone who has the capacity to love you just as much as you love them."

And Yes, I can now say it's over.

It has been 6 long years, and I think that was enough. I should have LOVE myself MORE. I thought, with enough time, I can make things work, but sadly, it didn't. I did all my best. I had invest so much in this relationship, and now, it hurts so much to end it this way.

I had spent a lot of my "firsts" with him.

My first boyfriend..

My first real love, and my first real heartbreak.

I always look forward to weekends because of him.

Lunch and Dinner is at best every Saturday because Mama cooks for him.

Meriendas are best spent with him.

I gain weight because I had shared every meal with him.

I manage to watch basketball games for him.

I get to know my "crazy side" because of him.

Late nights were spent talking to him.

My past Misa de Gallos and Mahal na Araw were with him.

He had been my constant buddy in everything I do.

Someone who know me to well and had manage to deal with my moods and craziness. He had witnessed all the ups and downs of my life and in my family.

But most days, when I just need someone to talk to, or the times I needed someone to pick me up, I had no one but me. I always go home late in the evening from work and I can't remember if there was a initiative from him to wait for me or pick me up. There were a lot of days I want to spend with him, but I always hear the same reasons over and over again. Same reasons that hurts me. He would always say he loves me, but I always end up questioning that. Because I always feel left behind. Unwanted. Unloved. I was not the priority. I always ask for time and for attention.

Maybe you'll think that I was too much on him, that I was selfish and too demanding. No, I am not, I just want what I deserve. I know and I understand that there are things he needs to do and prioritize, and that is fine with me. He is free to do what he wants. I just needed him to say it to me. To be conscious enough to make me feel I am not ignored. But most of the time, I would end up waiting the whole day not hearing from him where he was or what happen to him.

Every time things get wrong, I would always think for that one big reason why I am still here for him. That reason, that always make my heart melts.. that, I love him.. I love him too much that I always do all the understanding and adjusting. Reasons I myself can't fully figure out why. I love him for reasons I can't understand.

Its hard to handle everything ALONE. That this relationship should be a working partnership. I need him to make extra EFFORT, but most of the time, there is none.

This wasn't easy. It took me 6 years, because I thought WE can work this out. But if its only ME, it wouldn't work. I needed him to be serious and be matured enough that LOVE is not all about the sweet and happy things alone. That it is something that he should take care and nourish. Time will come, I will be too tired to understand the same reasons over and over again.. and I think, I just did..

Because if he truly loves me, he will do the impossible just to make things work.

and to finally end this...

"The wrong person makes YOU beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you."

Para sa Kaibigang Iniwan ng Walang Dahilan

Hindi ko alam kung paano
at hindi ko din alam kung bakit?
Bakit ka ba dumadalaw sa
panaginip ko ng paulit ulit?

Ano bang nangyari?
Hindi na ikaw ung dati...
Ung dating kaibigan ko..
Ung dating andyan para pakinggan ako.

Masakit para sa akin na mawala nalang ang lahat ng ganoon kadali.
Masakit para sa akin na makalimutan mo nalang ang lahat sa isang saglit.

Oo.. marahil ay minahal kita ng higit pa kesa sa isang kaibigan,
Pero tinanggap ko na hanggang doon nalang un at ako'y nanatiling andiyan.

Kasama mo sa lahat ng kalokohan.
Kadamay sa lahat ng kalungkutan,
Kasangga sa lahat ng laban,
Tinulungan sa lahat ng babaeng iyong niligawan,
Nanatiling iyong kaibigan kahit nasasaktan.

Alam kong, walang tayo.
Sinubukan kong kalimutan ang aking nararamdaman,
para  isalba ang ating pagkakaibigan.
Pero anong nangyari?
Bakit sa dulo'y mawawala ka din.

"Bestfriend", yan ang sabi mo sa akin.
Pero bakit tayo ngayon ganito?
Ako'y isang ordinaryong tao nalang na hindi na saklaw ng mundo mo.
Anong nagawa kong masama?
Anong nangyari't naglaho nalang bigla?
Hindi ako nakalimot bumati sa lahat ng okasyon,
Pero seensoned lang ang lahat  ng iyon.
Ni walang "hi" or "hello" or "kumusta" man lamang.
Anong nangyari sa "Bes" na ating noo'y tawagan?

May pagtatampo ako sa aking puso.
Nasasaktan na ganoon mo nalang ako kadaling nakalimutan,
mula sa lahat ng ating napagdaanan.

Paulit ulit kita napapanaginipan ng walang dahilan.
Pilit ata inaalala ng utak ko ang nakaraan,
Hinahanap hanap ang noo'y aking kaibigan.
Ung makakausap ko't mapagkwekwentuhan,
at dadamay  sa malungkot kong dinaramdam.

Ngayon'y ay bumubuo ka na ng sarili mong pamilya.
Gusto ko maging masaya para sa'yo.
kahit ako'y patuloy na nagtatampo.
Sana, isang araw, masagot ang lahat ng mga tanong ko
at bumalik ang dating KAIBIGAN na nakilala ko.

Paalam

Isang salitang akala ko'y hindi ko maririnig mula sa'yo

Kaya ako ay hindi makapaniwala nang marinig ko ito.

Para mo akong sinaksak ng paulit ulit,

Binaril at ginulpi hanggang sa mangawit

Akala ko'y hanggang dulo na ang ating kwento

Ngunit ano ba ang nagawa ko't humantong tayo sa ganito?

Paalam.. mga katagang iyong binitiwan,

at siya na rin pumutol sa ating ugnayan.

Salitang pumutol sa kung anong meron tayo

Wala ng ikaw at ako.

Paano na tayo? Paano na ang ating kwento?

Ikaw ay umalis at nilisan ako..

Sabi mo, bubuo ka ng sarili mong mundo.

Mundong hindi na ako ang sentro

at mundong wala na sa piling ko.

Sabi mo, kailangan mo hanapin ang sarili mo

Hanapin ito na wala na ako sa litrato.

Sabi mo, kailangan mo ng oras..

Oras na mag isa at hindi na ako kasama.

Anong maling aking nagawa

at paalam ay kailangan mong sabihin?

Anong nawala na kailangan mong hanapin?

Ganon nalang ba kadali talikuran

ang ilang taong aking pinagsamahan?

Alam mong hindi ako perpekto,

ngunit ginawa ko ang lahat para sa'yo.

Pero bakit sa huli, kulang pa din pala.

Sumuko ka nalang at hindi kinaya.

Paalam.. ang sakit pakinggan.

Ang hirap padin tanggapin..

na bigla nalang nawala ang pag-ibig mo para sa akin.

Hahanap hanapin ko ang tunog ng iyong tawa,

ang simangot pag galit ka na,

ang maamo mong mukha sa umaga

ang mga kamay mo pag tayo'y naglalakad na,

at ang init ng yakap mo sa tuwina.

Paalam..

Paalam na yata talaga.

Sa taong minahal ko ng sobra.

Hindi ko batid na ganon ang naramdaman mo

at sa paalam nauwi ang ating kwento.

************

02.03.17

jjlb

The story behind this poem..

I really miss writing, as to date this is my first this year.
Well, few weeks ago, someone sent me a poem to read and encourage me to write again. After a day or two, I had a conversation with another friend about writing, and even shared with me something he wrote. Then, we both agreed to write again, and the topic I thought was about goodbyes.

My "hugot" was to be on a point view of a man. Though I may not know much of how they feel or how they react towards a situation, I hope, I was able to impart the message of the poem. Sometimes, love gets lost. And if that happens,  what will you do, if the person you love would eventually go and find that lost love? A love he / she didn't NOW found in you.

I don't want goodbyes..

But I guess, you need it in order to move forward and rise up again from your fall.

Hello 2017!

Oh well, hello! I know that I've been out and not writing for quite a while now. I lot happened. I wish, I was able to share them here, but time was a little hectic and my mind and hands just didn't go along too much.

Hello 2017!!

I want to write as much as I can this year. Any random things. I really express myself best through writing. Really miss my old self, my old soul. And oh, probably, I'll post my little art pieces here and my hidden poems. Hahaha! Wooo.. I just needed to breathe, and writing seems to be the best solution

A laptop this year, I promise.

Lets write and explore more things.

Hello Again!! - talking about my First Love

Hi!!

Its been a long time since the last time I write, or I may say, blog.
Sorry guys  (as if may bumabasa ng blog ko, lol).

Anyway.. I've been busy with a lot of things. Of course, work.. then, I've been reunited with my first love, ARTS.. I wish I can come up writing about it very soon. As well as posting those little paper flowers or the finished products of my playful imagination with watercolors and brush pens. For the past months, I divulge in coloring, painting, paper quilling and calligraphy.

I have always love my Arts and EPP classes in grade school. I was even part of the Homemaker's Club (EPP) where I learned how to make flowers made of plastic drinking straws. I always enjoyed it. Combining colors, cutting pieces of paper, putting things together and creating a new masterpiece. Yes. I always see it that way. That you were able to make new things out of your playful imagination.

I actually didn't know I am good on this. I don't even consider myself one. I am just enjoying every bit of it, and how I'll be able to pull it off into something beautiful. 

I remember, I don't even know how to draw when I was in elementary. My mom would even ask someone to make my projects. That's how bad it was? Hahaha.. Maybe, that's the turning point where in I tried doing it on my own without the help of anyone. It may not be perfect, but it was not bad at all. My first drawings were dresses and gowns. Yes. It was my childhood dream to become a Fashion Designer. I remember playing and imagining myself one. But, what happened? Hahaha. I just felt that it was not the right choice of course that moment.

Oh well.. Moving forward.. art projects in school made me express myself into it, not knowing that I was doing good on it. But how did I know I was good? My projects / artworks were chosen to be displayed in exhibits and in our room. So, it feels like that I did good on it.. I hope so.. Hahaha... :)

High school and college came, I came expressing myself in Arts through the things I gave my friends. Fancy hand made letters, lettering of their name in glitters or colored sand, a simple drawing or craft. And them, appreciating it, already means a lot to me. I love the "personalized" things more than gifts you'll just buy from the mall. And, that's me in a more personal level..

I hope that in my next posts, I will be able to share more of what I love. Until my next..

Chaio!

Change..

Its been a while since my last post. A lot just happened. Usually, I would write to express what I feel but this time around, I felt that I just needed some quiet time alone. I got myself busy with arts, crafts and some travel on the side. It was summer anyway. My birthday pass as if it was just one ordinary day. Nothing really significant or memorable. And exactly a month ago, I cut off my hair short. Yes. It has never been this short. The last short hair I had was in 3rd year college, but it was longer than what I had now. I am too was shock on how short it become. Well I guess, this was done on purpose. Besides the hot weather, it was also a way for me to cut off all the pain I had inside. I know there was sadness in me, but I never cry. I kept myself strong enough to be okay. What I did was to love and appreciate myself more. I treat myself with the food I love and the things I wanted. I watched movies and spent it with family. Enjoy. Do things you love to do. Because when everything gets broken, it was only YOU who can fix yourself. You need to stand again and face the world with a better version of yourself. And I guess, I did..

Sorry for the selfies.. 

 Much Love!!