How Are You Now?

Hello there! 👋

This will just be a quick write up of how I am now. I've been really wanting to write but a lot happened and I think, I was also too lazy to pick myself up from bed and bring together my thoughts. Today, I just want to burst out everthing I feel. As you know, I always have this birthday blues where in, I think on things too much and gets emotional.

I had my birthday almost a month ago but nothing really special happened. As in, nothing! This is the first time that I will spending it at the office and working because I normally take a leave during my birthday and escape my officemates. Hahaha! But two days before that, we had a simple pizza-pasta meal with my team. And since I am working on night shift now, I felt I welcomed it twice in the office, Tuesday shift from 22nd to 23rd, and Wednesday shift from 23rd to 24th. It was a normal day I even went to Divisoria that morning to buy additional stuff to the project I am preparing. No extra ordinary food on our table, no sweet surprises, no eating out or any kind of celebration. And to be honest, I am totally fine with it. I am not really the type who celebrate birthdays. All this time, I thought I turned off my birthday notifications on FB, but it didn't, so yeah.. they know it's my birthday and I've been replying everyone for their greetings. But next year, promise, I'll make sure that it will not appear anymore and people who knew me well will be the only one who will greet me. Hahaha! Lol. 😂 I really appreciate it more when it's something personal and intimate. And ohh.. what was exciting about my birthday is 1st - my starbucks free cake, and I picked purple yam, and 2nd, the free dirty ice cream at the office!🍦 So happy for the free items! 😁

So, how am I? What was I thinking?

~ I am still embracing the fact that I am now single in all aspects. That I need to face things alone without nobody to be with, or nobody to share with. And yes, it sucks! There was a day, I felt missing him or maybe, I just miss all the "feelings" I used to feel. It takes time to move everything forward and seven years is long enough to be forgotten. I just miss loving. To prepare things for someone, to cook for him, take care of him, to talk to him about anything and just be my normal sweet self. It's so hard! But don't worry, I have accepted the fact that it is over. No more pain. I just need to move on with the things "I used to" do. It's ok. It's ok not to be ok. Sometimes, you need a time alone to think and embrace the sadness, or the loneliness. You need to let it go, and after a while, I know you will come out stronger. This has been a big step forward for me. It feels so independent. Feels so strong that I was able to fight over my soft heart. So here I am, spending my time with friends and the things I miss doing like arts and reading, or just simply taking the opportunity to sleep and sleep.

I don't know if I am afraid to be alone, I really don't know. But I am afraid not finding or meeting the right person for me. Like, how? Or where will I find him? I know, I still have time and I am not rushing on things, but I am really wishing and praying that God will give me the right person in His perfect time. 🙏

So, that's it. Don't worry, I am ok, and it's also ok if I am not. I have lot of things to do, so, I'll just get myself busy and forget all those sadness and loneliness away.

Chao! 💋

🎂

Too many memories for today, but I will leave everything with the message below.

Happy Birthday! 🎈🎈🎈

I Finally Did It

It has been few months. A lot happened and I guess, I will have more time to update my blog now. So, let me share something I got from Facebook. Actually, I  relate to a lot of his post and I actually don't know what it is in him, that as if he reads my mind and my heart. His post are painful, but very honest. It just speaks everything I want to shout out at this very moment. So here it's goes...

WORDS by NEIL JED CASTRO

So, after a constant struggle, she finally did it.

No mo sleepless nights for her. No more tears every midnight. No more sudden anxiety. No more chest pains. No more questioning about her worth. No more catching feelings. She did it.

She has finally let go of the toxic relationship that she was in. She has finally realized that it was no longer worth fighting. She has finally realized to love herself first. She has finally realized that she has  to prioritized herself first.

She has finally let go of the memories of you. She has finally let go of the thought of you. She has finally let go of all the grudges and pain. She lose you but she found herself.

She is not bitter. She is even thankful of you. You made her realized a lot of things. She will remember you not the person she used to love but as a learning experience. Thank you for making her braver!

And to the other girls going through the same thing, you will get there!

.....................................................................................................................................................................

And after 7 years, it finally ended. No more tears, more of .. "I can finally breathe". We have been to a lot, and it was not an easy ride. All of the memories will not be erased overnight, but I know everything will be ok. There are still no regrets - I became happy and I have loved him. But maybe things will be better of this way now. 

Thank you, and I wish you'll be ok too.

Sweet Escape

We were two souls who needed some fresh air, an escape from the busy city, from the stressful work and from the life we had. And there we were, finding comfort in each other, making each other feel, “you are not alone.”

We’ve been friends for two years now. I can’t explain much of the friendship we have. He would tease me, and sometimes bully me. But that is something we enjoy laughing at. He would always ask questions related to work, and our day was just about that. We would sometimes have our small talks about life – family, friends and love. We are opposites. Our life is a total contrast of each other.  He is the happy go lucky one, and I'm the quiet serious type. He makes most of his time to enjoy his life, he travels, explore, and make the most of it because as he always say, life is too short. While on the other hand, my life seems to be boring. I can’t afford to enjoy it as much as he does, for I am stuck to be the perfect daughter, the provider, and the role model. I have lot of priorities in life, that I rarely have time for myself.

We didn’t really have the chance to hang out due to our conflicting schedules. Only few times when we get the chance to eat lunch and talk. But there are plans of going out, to try something new, to watch an interesting movie, to try different things and check some on my bucket list. He wanted to help me conquer my fears and try out new things.

One day, he asked me out and we went to Nuvali. We have been talking going there but no final date yet, and I really don’t have any idea that it will happen that day. We were both free, and we decided to go together. We just had ourselves, our beep cards and some extra cash. I was excited for unplanned trips like this. I feel like, I am escaping for the real world for a while. The bus ride from Makati to Nuvali only took us about 45 minutes to an hour. We were at Solenad. Fresh Air! Yes, we had breath cold fresh air. I just think that's what we needed. We needed a place we can be at ease, and relax. We just roam around, had Starbucks to keep ourselves hot, eat some snacks and headed home after 2 hours. We still have work the next day, so we are particular with our time.

But what is special about this trip? We had the chance to talk topics we rarely talk about in person, or in a deeper sense. While waiting for other passengers at the bus, he finally started talking. We both have our long time partners. They have been together for almost 11 years, and I had a  7 years relationship. I never thought that we almost have the same story, where in I can relate so much. I think, he did most of the talking and imparting the lessons he had learned over the years. That, this is life.  “Nasanay na ako sa set-up na ganito, so parang ok nalang.” He also said, “Hindi naman tayo mawawalan, kasi, baka on the first place, hindi naman tayo nagkaroon.” It actually makes sense to me right now. We were both in a situation where in our partners makes us feel they are not there in the relationship yet we still stayed.

Then, I saw a different person during the trip. I used to see him making fun of me or irritating me. But during that time, he comforted me and made me feel safe. I actually don’t know what is happening. It seems to be wrong, but I never saw it wrong because we are friends and that was what I am thinking the whole trip. He had me in his arms. He held my cold hands, cuddle and caress me. He would pinch me like he always does and hugged me tight. Then from there, I felt how much he misses her and how much he longed for her. I know it’s a little wrong that I let him do things like that, but I felt his pain and longingness. And before we parted ways, he even asked me for a goodbye hug. It is one tight hug, “Thank you for today.”

And now, I am writing this because everything keeps repeating in my mind. I have lot of questions to him right now. "Why. Why are you too sweet all of a sudden?  What was that? Is it something you did because you have to or because you see her in me?” I really don’t know what will happen for the days to come, but I hope I’ll be able to get the answers I needed.

strangers with some memories..

** One of the saddest endings of all stories.

This applies in all kinds of relationships, especially with FRIENDSHIP.. Because people come and go in our lives. And most of the time, they just go without any particular reason. They just leave everything behind. Leave all the memories. And eventually, erase US in their lives for good.

I just hate this kind of goodbyes...

Because I treasure memories so much. I treasure "friendship" in a deeper sense, and it hurts me so much how a happy story ends with such a sad goodbye.

xx JaJa

Birthday Blues

Oh hello again..

Just wanted to express my thoughts..

So, it was my birthday yesterday, and as usual... I always gets emotional with things I think OVER. Birthdays are not a big thing for me. It is usually just a normal day. As much as possible, I don't wanted people to know about it. I felt uneasy if people greeted me in person. But I do appreciate their greetings. Maybe, I'm just not the type who are up for celebrations, or I am just used to spent it as an ordinary day.

Birthdays for us is a simple lunch / dinner at home with family. Pancit or spaghetti will do. Since it falls on summer, I don't get to celebrate it with friends, growing up.

Friends? I am not the friendly type who do the first "hi" or "hello" thing. I am usually the quiet one who listens to you and give my thoughts. I am the caring & thoughtful one. I gain friends from school, and now, at work. I just had a small group of friends. Growing up, I had spent most days at home playing with myself and my only cousin. I had no friends besides her. My childhood is not a bad one, but as you noticed, its not as exciting as most kids had.

Maybe that is one reason why I value friendship so much. That when I get close with someone and get too much attached, I value and treasure her / him so much. I am too caring & thoughtful, and that  particular "friend" is special in all ways. It was an automatic treatment and gesture.

So.. why I get emotional again?

Since, I only have a small group of friends, I would know who were there and who were not. Them remembering my special day is something I really appreciate. They know how I love long messages and heart warming greetings.

And it always saddened me whenever one slowly get out of that small circle after he / she had found new friends. After some time, busy schedules and distance will keep you apart. Soon, you'll get no reply after efforts of sending hello's and how are you's.

Since its my birthday, I remember them... and suddenly felt this feeling.. "people will leave you despite all your efforts and the good things you did  for them, when they found new ones who they get along with." I may not be the exciting friend everyone wants. Nor the clown that gives the life & energy of the group, but I am the one who would listens and take cares of you. 

I miss them..
And now, I fear of getting close to new friends and end up with the same sad story... 

VALUE YOURSELF!

** I guess, this speaks everything I had gone through. Save yourself. Value yourself. You may lost some time, but you can still find love. That love you truly deserves. And I agree.. It's painful to let go of the love you had for years, but it's more painful to lose yourself in the process of STILL loving someone who always took you for granted. You are WORTHY of the LOVE you DESERVE. <3