For Tito 💖

I was devastated with the news that you are gone.

I immediately dialed your number and it rang.

I stopped after a few rings, afraid if it's true.

Then I texted you.. "Tito?"

Few minutes later, your number was calling me.

I said hello a few times but the voice sounds differently.

I started crying when I confirmed it's true

and even louder when they said the virus hit you.

I was speechless, I don't know what else to do.

I am heartbroken.

Why you?? 

With a heavy heart,

I ran towards my room crying.

I picture the last time you were here.

And remember how I promised to visit you

when I got the chance to travel in Cebu.

You were the second man besides Papa who I know would protect me.

Who never expressed it, but I always felt the love and concern you have for me.

So many childhood memories I will forever keep.
Happy stories I will miss.

Like the times, when you measure my height in the wall, checking if I a grew an inch or so.

The duty free days and bags of chocolates.

The danggit and otap pasalubong back home.

Your morning routine of reading the newspaper and answering crossword puzzles.

Your love for sport and how I got to watch basketball,

volleyball, boxing, billiards and tennis with you.

And because of you, I started knowing Serena, Venus, and Martina (in tennis).

Your love for watching and answering questions in a game show.

Your lotto afternoon habit and bringing food for dinner.

The after Sunday masses and the kakanin you would buy for breakfast.

And lastly, I will miss cooking for you.

That's you.

You always have something to share.

You are always generous and giving.

You stayed humble despite the title.

And even helped a lot of people reach for their dreams.
You are a Captain in his humble sail.

But what will I miss the most? 

The way you tell stories and jokes, and the times we laugh out loud.

The sarcasm in every story.

The sound in your voice I will forever carry.

I feel heartbroken because we lost you this way.

It's hard to let you go so easily..

I never got the chance to thank you for all the help you showered our family,

and the happiness you bring whenever you are home.

I never got the chance to treat you for something you would love to have.

I don't know until when the pain will be gone.

It might take a while..

But I will definitely miss you.

You will forever be the second father

in a reserve place in my heart. ♡

-------

Happy Sailing in heaven Tito!

I will miss you so much! 💔

06/05/2020

Dear Self

Looking back...

When I was 10, all I think of is to be good in school. I need to have good grades to show to Papa so that he'll be happy and usually, I get a prize for that. Papa was working abroad and we usually write him letters to update him on how things are going here. Mama was the one who was there for me. She goes with me to school and attend to all the things I need. She was supportive and always pushed me to be at my best but never pressured me. I have few friends in school too. I was leaving like a normal 10 year old who want to be good for her parents.

When I was 20, I was very determined to graduate. Life has not been so easy for us. All I want is to graduate and work immediately. I want to provide for my family. I was looking forward that Mama will just stay at home with Papa and enjoy everything I can give them.

I also started serving in the church. This is something I have been wanting to do, but don't have the confidence to start with. But God has called me to serve and I am happy I listened and went for it. 

At 20, I was also curious about love. I felt that I am already in the right age to explore love and be loved in return. So, I was brave enough to discover it. I had my first boyfriend.

Today, I am 30. I feel old. But nevertheless, I have learned so many things about life. I discover more things about my self and my capacity to handle things. I always try to be the better version of myself just as what God has want me to be.

I learned to open myself more. The introvert girl in me is still there but she is learning to weight things and to whom to put her trust with. I needed to open my mind to understand things more. And when you do, you will hurt less. Understanding that things happen for a reason may be an understatement, but  it is about trusting in God's plans for you. I also learn to be contented. Big or small, be thankful. It may be different from what others have achieved, but still, God has blessed us. We should never compare.  Trust in God's perfect timing.

And in love, don't be fooled with being inlove. It is not in the years of being together. Learn when to stop. And don't forget to love yourself too. Don't lose yourself in the relationship. You know what you deserve and don't be sorry about that. You need someone who knows how to value your worth.

I will write again to my 40 year old self in 10 years time. I hope, I make her proud of what the years will mold me. And by that time, I do hope I have someone with me to share life too. Just a happy life.

Celebrating it today was different, because we are on a global pandemic. It is hard to enjoy when there is a lot of things happening around. I worry with a lot of things in my mind. But trusting to God, is our hope that things will get better, and soon, things will be back to normal.

Dear self, Happy 30th! ❤

Everything will be better soon. And someone out there will find you. He will love and value your worth. You will be happy. Mama and Papa will be okay, and you will make them proud. Just trust in God's plans and His perfect timing.

Love,
Jazel ♡

30 ♡

God says.. "Prepare yourself. I am about to take you to another level of your life." ♡ 30

God is the reason why even in pain, I smile, in confusion, I understand, in betrayal, I trust and in fear, I continue to fight.

Thank you to all those who remember today. ♡

Yup, I loss 4kilos during ECQ. 🤗

Love,
Jazel ⚘
05.23.2020

For Mama

If I was only brave enough to tell the world my story, I would shout it out aloud for everyone to hear. But my story wasn't the typical one, I'm afraid I might hurt other people by telling this secret. But nevertheless, I am proud that I went through all these things and the person I have become with Mama's love and guidance.

I am loved. So much. ❤

I will be forever grateful to God for sending me to my parents. 

For Mama -

She had spent all her time taking care for me. Attending to my needs and wants and been so supportive of whatever I like. There were turn of events when she needed to work, and she did it. I saw how much sacrifice she had to take to make things easy for me. All the hardship she went through just to send me to school. I have seen all of those. It was heart breaking and heartwarming at the same time. It warms my heart because I know how much I am loved, and it breaks too because I've seen her do everything even things were difficult. I never heard her complain though I know she's in pain and tired. She still does it for me.

When things get better at home and when I finally got a job, I tried to make it  up with her. But I never heard her asked anything from me. She was contented. She is happy with the simple things, nothing grand. She never asked for more. She never obliged me for anything. A simple ice cream is happiness to her already.

I am no perfect daughter to deserve such selfless mother. She has so much love for me. Though we aren't expressive in saying all the sweet words, I feel everything of it, love is overflowing. Love as act of service is more than what words can say.

I don't know what else to say, she is more than anything in this world. A treasure I don't know ever exist. Something I will forever be thankful for.

In this life, I know I should know the truth, but for such reasons, I rather not know the story. I am more than contented of what I have, I have Mama. I am more than blessed to deserve someone like her. I am forever grateful that she had accepted me and much more. No one can ever replace her. Her love for me is incomparable. And I wish nothing else but her happiness in this world. Her comfort. Her simple joys.

What I am today is because of her, my achievements - it's hers. She lived by an example hard to reach. She will always be my inspiration to be best in whatever I do. A model of not just being a good person but a good mother in the future. A mother whose love is not measured by blood, but of how big is her heart. Selfless. Full of love and forgiveness. A love much to give and overflowing. That is her. She wants nothing more but her child's comfort and happiness.

I love you Ma! ❤

Thank you for loving me with no hesitations nor conditions. I will forever be thankful to God for you.

Huwag mong sosolohin. Di ka mag-isa ♡

A post was caught me in twitter. I rarely comment or reply, but when I read it, I just felt like replying to it and I was happy I did. I've been emotional for the past few days and that post seems like talking to me that very moment. Maybe it is the message I wanna hear. And suddenly, I felt someone just comforted me. Like a warm hug that says, "I got you" and "you have nothing to worry about". You know who post it or what is the post about? Hmmm..

It was a tweet from Ben&Ben..

Yup, another one from Ben&Ben caught me speechless. Remember the last time, I was listening to their playlist and I was able to write a poem after. Ohh mmmgeeee.. what is this? They already got me. Few days after, I heard these words again in one of their songs. So this is actually lyrics from their song, "Susi" that happened to be a soundtrack of "Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral", a Filipino movie about one of our heroes and great soldier, Heneral Gregorio del Pilar. So this is not a love song after all, but a song of bravery and strength.

The verse goes like..

Balikan kung bakit ba nagsimula

Bago mo sabihin na ayaw mo na

Huwag mong sosolohin

Di ka mag-isa

Ikaw pa rin ang susi sa takbo ng iyong tadhana.

And I don't know but it made me reply, "Ang hirap kimkimin ang lahat. Andoon sa isang sulok at umiiyak." Wow, it even rhyme unexpectedly. And you know what, that is exactly how I felt. I was alone, and feeling everthing on my shoulders and I can't do anything but be in a corner and cry. Somewhere where no one can see or hear me. But here is Ben&Ben, saying not to keep it from myself and that I am not alone. Very very timely. As if it was God's indirect way of saying to me that I have Him. *goosebumps*

I do pray. A lot actually. But there are these moments in our lives that things get heavy and we have no one to shared it with. It is also in my personality to keep things with myself. It was hard. It is always a struggle. But let us remember to seek to Him when everything seems to be heavy to carry. He may not physically be there but trusting him will make the load lighter.

"Huwag mong sosolohin. Di ka mag-isa." ♡

Poetic Reading : Paalam

This is one of the poems I wrote few years ago, entitled, "Paalam". Words of this poem is in a separate entry in this blog. Just go to "Poems". 

So, since I was stuck at home because of the enhance quarantine and kinda miss reading aloud. Out of the blue, I found this poem and decided to read and record it. I liked how it turned out. I felt it somehow. 

As I mentioned in my previous blog about this poem, I wrote it in a man's point of view. It is a guy who is talking in this poem. But actually, it can be anyone. Someone who was left behind. Someone who needs comfort to accept the sad truth about goodbyes. How to cope up with such a loss. How to accept promises that were broken and how to deal missing the happy moments of once a happy story. The sad truth is, there is an ending.

Hope this finds you comfort as you say goodbye and accept goodbyes..

And please, after this, stand up again. Move on. And be ready for your next adventure. There may be a goodbye, but there will be a new beginning waiting for you.

Love,
Jayz ❤

Purple Sky

Last November, I had an amazing trip with my friends in San Felipe, Zambales. Finally, some vitamin sea, sand and sun. The view definitely not failed us. It's been a while since the last time I gaze the sunset sky. I have been working at night for a year now and I haven't been out that time of the day. It's my first time to get awe with a beautiful sunset. A perfect purple pink sky that is ready to cover the sea. It was mesmerizing. So beautiful, I can't imagine it really happen. I am falling in love with it. 

Take the time to stop and think,
and watch the sky turns purple pink. 💜